Tag Archives: tankini

Real Women Don’t Wear Tankinis

This year, I worked hard to drop a few pounds over the winter so that when spring arrived, I wouldn’t have to face my annual swimwear terror attack.

Honestly, I find shark-infested waters less scary than trying on bathing suits.  Bungee jumping?  Piece of cake.  Wrestling alligators?  Not a problem.  Standing half-naked in front of a three-way mirror when I know the security people watching those hidden video cameras are snickering at my cellulite?  Big problem.

Anyway, with my clothes fitting a little less snugly, I was optimistic that this year I could go bathing suit shopping without hurling my half-filled Starbucks Frappucino at the three-way mirror.

Confident that I was tankini-ready, I went to the store and tried on bathing suits two sizes smaller than last year. I was shocked to discover that I still hated how I looked.   After trying on several dozen bathing suits, I went back out into the store and stood glaring at the racks.  After a while, a teeny-tiny salesgirl approached me.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“Well, uh, I’m looking for a bathing suit,” I stated the obvious.

“How about this one?” she asked as she pulled out something even my grandmother wouldn’t have been caught dead wearing at the pool in her retirement community.  Honestly, the bathing suit had more material than a beach blanket.

“It’s a little old for me, don’t you think?” I asked.

“Well, once we’re past a certain age, those tiny bikinis just don’t flatter us, don’t you think,” she said.

Personally, I didn’t think I was past that certain age quite yet.  Maybe the fact that I had some smile lines meant to her that I was ready for a bathing suit with an attached skirt and its own breasts, but I begged to differ.

“I was actually looking for a tankini,” I told her.

“Hmmm. You know tankinis are not for everyone.  They can actually make your hips look BIGGER,” she said a little too loudly so that everyone in the swimwear department now realized that my hips would look bigger in a tankini.

“I’m actually pretty sold on a tankini,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Okay,” she said cheerfully.  “But you might have better luck over there.”  She pointed to the section of suck-me-in Miracle Suits, which promise to make you look ten pounds thinner instantly.

I gave her the look of death.

“Oh, and here’s a cover up that should help hide those trouble spots.  It’s nice and long so you can tie it up all the way around your neck and let it drape down like a dress,” she said modeling the makeshift muumuu on her size-two body for me.

I decided then and there that if I wanted to feel badly about my body, I could do it all by myself, thank you very much.  Ignoring her, I reached over to the rack of cover ups, and pulled out a cute little sarong instead.

She looked at it and shook her head. “That’s pretty small,” she said. “I’m not sure what you could do with that.”

I smiled. “I could strangle you with it.”


©2016, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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Filed under Growing old ungracefully

Tracy’s Ultimate Countdown to Bathing Suit Season Checklist for Summer

Spring seemed to come up so suddenly this year that I actually forgot to have my annual pre-summer panic attack. I guess I was just so busy waging war on dust bunnies and trying to solve the Mid-east peace crisis, that I forgot all about the war on cellulite and the Middle-age bathing suit crisis.

Where the heck were MY priorities??

Now we are just a week away from Memorial Day Weekend and I have to put my emergency pre-summer plan into effect. In order to help me stay on the straight and narrow – as opposed to my usual path of wavy and wide – I decided I should come up with a checklist for summer.

    Tracy’s Ultimate Countdown to Bathing Suit Season Checklist for Summer:

1. Get bad stomach virus so I will be tankini ready in a week
2. Have anxiety attack because virus only lasts two days
3. Take down summer clothes from the attic. Try everything on. Find out it is all too small. Go back to step one
4. Wonder if it is OK to wear white capris before Memorial Day because it is the only thing that fits
5. Decide to dye white capris black
6. End up with black dye all over arms
7. Decide to get fake spray-on tan to look beach ready but also to hide black dye on arms
8. Turn orange from spray tan
9. Wonder if black and orange arms could be new trend this summer
10. Pull summer shoes down from attic
11. Very excited because shoes ALWAY fit
12. Find ten pair of gladiator sandals in bin. Pretty sure gladiators are not in style this summer
13. Go to store to get new sandals. Salesperson asks where I got lovely black and orange tan
14. Shoe store has nothing in my size. Buy cute pair one size too small
15. Wear new shoes to drug store to buy sunscreen
16. Get blisters from shoes that are too small
17. Ask salesperson for bandaids for blisters
18. Salesperson asks where I got lovely black and orange tan
19. Get home, realize forgot to buy suncscreen
20. Decide black dye wlll probably shield me from sun anyway
21. Go outside to weed garden to make house pretty for summer and to forget about stupid things like tankinis, fake tans and gladiator sandals
22. Realize one of the weeds I have been yanking out of garden, sans gloves, is poison ivy
23. Immediately break out in poison ivy rash all over body
24. Also get sunburn from weeding without sunscreen
24. Apply anti-itch cream, anti-sunburn cream, anti-fake tan cream and anti-black dye cream
25. Decide summer is hugely overrated
25. Cancel summer

©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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