Tag Archives: food

Top 10 List of (Ridiculous) Ways to Stay Slim Through the Holidays

As someone who has gained and lost enough weight over the years to make a whole other person, I like to think I have some experience eating my way through the holidays.

I usually like to start my downward holiday trajectory with leftover Halloween candy, and keep right on going through the Thanksgiving chocolate turkeys to the Christmas party buffets and candy cane binges. This year, though, I decided to try not to follow that pattern in the hopes that Santa won’t bring me more cellulite for Christmas. To this end, I came up with a  Top 10 List of Ways to Stay Slim Through the Holidays.

1.Get the Flu

True, it doesn’t feel so great while you have it, but this is a surefire way to drop about ten pounds in ten days.  I was lucky enough to come down with the flu before the holidays last year and I did actually lose ten pounds, which meant I could eat my way back up from Thanksgiving to New Years.  Unfortunately, I put the ten back on, plus another ten, which meant I needed to get sick again to break even.

2.Give the Flu to your Husband and Kids

Nothing kills an appetite more than the sight of all those runny noses, nasty tissues and other icky sickness symptoms.  Plus, you’ll work off extra weight running up and down the stairs to do all the extra loads of laundry generated by your sick family.  Bonus!

3.Buy Food Your Husband Likes

Based on my theory that there is a finite amount of fat in the universe, if you want to lose some holiday weight, you have to arrange it so that it gets picked up by someone else.  So, after Halloween, I stock up on dark chocolate, chocolate covered raisons, and Haagen Dazs Vanilla Chip Ice cream so I can be assured my husband will pig out and I will get skinny.

4.Photoshop all your Pictures

OK, making yourself skinny in Photoshop is not exactly the same thing as losing weight in real life, but if you don’t ever go out in public, no one will know the difference.  Besides, if it’s good enough for the celebrities and models, it’s good enough for you!

5.Hang Out with Big People

Another cheat.  You don’t have to diet or work out. Just stand next to people who are larger than you and you will look svelte and toned in comparison.

6.Get Pregnant

…Then you can tell everyone you’re not fat, you’re just pregnant. Or better yet, don’t get pregnant – just tell everyone that you are.

7.Go on “Dancing with the Stars”

All the celebs that go on that show lose an average of ten to twenty pounds.  Of course, first you have to become famous, and then stop being famous, in order to get on the show.  For more on that, see my other list: Tracy’s Top Ten Ways to Become Famous, and then not be Famous, to Get on “Dancing with the Stars.”

8.Go on Vacation

The key to this one is to go to another country where you shouldn’t drink the water and then you do.  A good case of Dysentery or Montezuma’s Revenge should help you shed any holiday pounds you may have already gained!

9.Combine Exercise with a Fun Activity

Personally, I find that shopping on sale days is the ultimate exercise.  You can get a great upper arm workout wrestling someone for the last cute cardigan and burn some serious calories dashing to the checkout line to beat the crowds.

10.Don’t Despair if you Break Your Diet

So you fell off the wagon a week after Thanksgiving? Don’t get down on yourself.  Just think of it as getting a head start on the holiday weight gain for next year!

©2017, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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Filed under Da Holidays, Husbands and other Aliens

A Five Second Lesson about the Five Second Rule

For 40-something years, I have been under the impression that if you dropped food on the floor and you picked it up really fast, you could still safely eat it. In most circles, this is known as “The Five Second Rule” (and for the more fastidious, “The Three Second Rule”). This applied to anything that could easily be shaken or blown off such as a cookie or a pacifier. It does not apply to something sticky like a lollipop or a PB & J sandwich, for obvious reasons.

Anyway, in a recent news report, scientists REFUTED the Five Second Rule.

In the Journal of Applied Microbiology, which is something I routinely read for fun, a study was published that showed that salmonella and other bacteria can live up to four weeks on dry surfaces and immediately transfer to foods.
This flies in the face of an earlier study which showed that it took almost five minutes for Skittles candies to collect bacteria when they were dropped on the floor.

I’m not sure if this says more about the bacteria on the floor… or the Skittles.

Of course, not all floors are created equal. It seems that if you are going to drop your food on the floor and then eat it, you are better off dropping it on the sidewalk, outside, than on the kitchen floor in your house. While most of us like to think that we are world class housekeepers, the truth of the matter is, our kitchen floors are about the dirtiest, most disgusting, bacteria-laden places in the universe. But if you’d even seen my kitchen floor, you probably already knew that.

So what does this mean for mankind?

1. We need to do a better job cleaning our Kitchen’s.

2. People who blow off their baby’s binkies when they fall on the sidewalk and pop it back in the kids mouth, are probably ok.

3. We would probably all be a lot healthier if we ate more Skittles.

©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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