Our New York City vacation did not necessarily include a shoe shopping expedition. But when I saw the sparkly, black leather platform booties in the widow, I knew they had to be mine.
Although I am usually fairly immune to these SOSUs (Sudden Onset Shoe Urges), I felt my resolve dissolve when the shoe salesman told me the manufacturer only made 10 pair of the shoes in different sizes to see if they would be successful, and mine were the only size 9, I snatched them up like a mom grabbing the last Kit Kat in her kid’s Halloween bucket and ran out the door in my new shoes.
That night, I dreamt we went to the tax accountant’s office to deal with some tax issues and suddenly a huge commotion broke out. Apparently a giant chicken was attacking the city and the tax accountant’s office was actually a front for a special forces team called The Poultry Patrol that was organized to fight giant chickens. The chicken was frightening, about the size of Godzilla, with mean red eyes and an enormous threatening beak. When it clucked, the ground shook.
I tried to sneak out, because really, what did I know about fighting giant chickens.
Cooking them? Yes. Fighting? Not so much.
However, I was stopped and told I had to join the special forces team since I was there and I had on the special shoes I had bought that day. I failed to see the connection between my shoes and being picked to fight a giant chicken, but I went with it. Still, everyone had training and I did not so they paired me with Steve Carrell as my partner and he led me to a secret bunker where all the special forces teams were preparing to fight the giant chicken. They were all geared up in flight suits and I suddenly noticed they were wearing the same sparkly leather platform booties that I had bought earlier in the day. I didn’t realize then that the shoes had jets on the soles which made the wearer able to fly. Steve Carrell instructed me to turn on my jets and lift off, but I couldn’t fly high enough to battle the chicken because I’m afraid of heights.
So instead of fighting the giant chicken, they assigned me another vital task. I had to fly into all the public bathrooms and rescue any extra rolls of toilet paper before they would be destroyed by the giant chicken. As the only person in our house who seems to know where the extra toilet paper is kept, this seemed like the ideal job for me. After the chicken destroyed much of the city, it was finally defeated by the special forces team and we all returned back to the tax accountant’s office where Viola Davis, the chief of the task force, thanked everyone for saving the city, but especially me for rescuing the toilet paper.
Steve Carrell was of course annoyed that he didn’t get the recognition he thought he deserved and said it was like “Bruce Almighty” all over again. He then banished me from the tax accountant’s office and told me next time I should go to H&R block where they only do taxes, not save the world from giant angry chickens or a worldwide shortage of toilet paper.
I woke up suddenly and looked outside. There was no evidence of any prior giant chicken rampage. Then I checked the bathroom and saw that we were well stocked in toilet paper.
Gratefully, I realized it was all a dream,
…except for the shoes, which are awesome, even though they don’t fly.
©2016, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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