Tag Archives: Aliens

The Day the Suburbs Stood Still

Poster - Day the Earth Stood Still, The_03

Scene:  In the dark of night, a tiny object plummets invisibly to the earth.  Glowing with the searing heat of the Earth’s atmosphere, it arrives on the planet as a tiny fireball before slamming into the ground in a suburban backyard. It’s flames immediately extinguished by the tiny impact, it’s arrival goes undetected by the slumbering people in the house.  Not even the dog notices the crash and therefore no one sees an amorphous form emerge from the object.  It has no defined shape or manner. It is an almost imperceptible orange gelatinous blob that oozes it’s way over to the nearest shrub, attaches to a branch, and waits.

*       *       *

“What the heck is this?” I said to my husband the next morning as I took a break from weeding the front garden.

The two of us peered at the small orange blob on the Juniper bush.  It looked like some slime that my kids would play with that would stick to the furniture. Or maybe something the dog would throw up on the rug.

I poked at it and quickly withdrew my finger in revulsion at the feel of the spongy, jelly-like substance.

“Ick.  It’s Icky.”

“It’s probably just a bug larva or something,” declared my husband. “Bring it to the garden center and see what they say.”

I went inside to get scissors to cut off the branch and when I got back, I noticed that there were now two blobs.

“I think it’s reproducing,” I said alarmingly.

He shrugged with disinterest.  I guess orange blobs were not high on his list of priorities.

When I looked back down at the bush, there were three blobs.

“Honey, these blobs are multiplying!” I cried.  “If we don’t stop them they are going to take over the whole bush.  I think they’re ALIVE!”

“Maybe they’re mutant alien blobs from outer space,” he joked. He turned to one of the blobs. “ET, go home.”

“It’s not funny,” I exclaimed. “It will start with this bush, then it will ingest the other bushes, and then the house and us in it!”

I had no doubt in my mind that the orange blob was a very, very bad blob.  I knew it was like nothing of this Earth and it definitely did not come in peace. Today my Juniper bush. Tomorrow the world.

Careful not to touch the blob again lest it ingest my finger, I cut off a branch with a blob attached and threw it in a plastic container. I wasn’t sure whether to bring it to Area 51 or my local garden center. Ultimately I chose the garden center since it was closer and I had to be home to pick up the kids from school at 3… assuming the blob hadn’t swallowed my car by then.

Nervously I carried the container into the garden center and flagged down one of the owners.

“This is classified information,” I whispered to him. “You cannot tell anyone what you saw or who showed it to you, agreed?”

He rolled his eyes and nodded.  Apparently I was not the first lunatic customer he’d had to deal with.

I peeled back the lid of the container and then jumped back just in case the alien blob tried to ooze out and swallow my arm.

The garden center owner peered into the container.

“That is Cedar Apple Rust,” he said with little fanfare.  “It’s a fungus.

I blinked. “A fungus?”


“From outer space?” I asked.

“No, from Crab Apple trees,” he responded.

I blinked again. “It’s not going to swallow my shrubs, eat my house and take over the world?” I wondered.


I thought for a minute.

“And you’re not afraid of it?”

“No,” he said.  “But I am a little afraid of you.”

©2014, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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Filed under This Old House

Top Ten Things to Tell Your Kids When They Discover You Ate All Their Candy

10. That was Halloween Candy. It expires after Christmas. That way you make more room for Valentine’s Candy

9. I didn’t eat it. Your brother/sister/father/babysitter/grandmother/the dog/the UPS guy/Mrs. Butterworth/The Tooth Fairy/Aliens/Bill O’Reilly ate it.

8. NO, that is not chocolate on my mouth. It’s the new brown lipstick that is very in this year. All the celebrities are wearing it.

7. Dr. Oz says people over 40 should have chocolate every day because it is rich in antioxidants. You’re under 40. You’re good.

6. This kid in a DeLorean appeared suddenly in the middle of our kitchen, took the candy, shoved it into something he called a Flux Capacitor, and disappeared again.

5. Scientists discovered the existence of a Black Hole right here in our pantry. It’s pretty exciting news but sadly, your candy got sucked into it and is now on the other side of the universe.

4. I got an email from a Prince in Nigeria who said if I sent him $2,500 and all our candy, he would share his fortune with me. It sounded like a good deal.

3. I’m sorry. I was so upset when I heard that Justin and Selena were donesies for good, that I ate the candy and cried while I listened to “Baby, Baby, Baby” for three hours.

2. There was never any candy. It was all just a dream.

1. Lance Armstrong admitted that he ate all your chocolate.

©2013, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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Filed under Who Are These Children and Why are they Calling Me Mommy