Category Archives: Celeb Encounters

A Conversation with some Sh*tty Moms

Screen Shot 2016-04-25 at 9.26.43 AMEvery once in a while a book comes along that is so funny, so irreverent, and one that I can so completely relate to, that I need to give it a Lost in Suburbia shout out.

Today Show producers and self-appointed sh*tty moms, Mary Ann Zoellner and Alicia Ybarbo  just released a sequel to their NY Times bestseller, Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us, called, Sh*tty Mom for All Seasons: Half-@ssing it All Year Long. Unlike most sequels, I actually think this one is funnier than the first.  Or maybe I just think it’s funnier because I have been a mother longer now and I’m that much more jaded.  Either way, I liked it so much, I just had to sit down with Mary Ann and Alicia and talk to them about the book.

image2Me: First of all, I have to tell you this book is hilarious and I’m definitely on Team Sh*tty Mom, too.  My kids have gotten significantly older since your first book (although, mysteriously, I have stayed the same age), but there is still so much here I can relate to. Your kids have also gotten a bit older since the first Sh*tty Mom book.  How has that changed your approach to parenting?

Mary Ann: The good thing is I think it has helped me be more relaxed. The bad news is my threats aren’t working as well.

Alicia:  Of course we want to dote on them and fix every boo-boo, but I have to sometimes listen to my own advice. Its hard to step back and try not to get involved when things go wrong in their world. We are there to be their parents first, friends second (or in some cases never).

 

Me: Your chapter on finding the right gender bathroom is a hot topic in the news right now.  As for me, when I have to go, I always use the bathroom with the shortest line.  I mean, seriously, why should I wait on a ginormous line with two dozen other women who will all probably pee on the seats (what is with that anyway?) when the men’s room is empty and much cleaner?  I encourage my daughter to do the same. Does this make me a Sh*tty Mom?

Mary Ann:  No, it makes you smart! I’m trying like crazy to get my daughters 9 & 11 to do the same but they refuse. I’ll get ’em.

Alicia:  My kids go anywhere I go so we are set. It is those freeway rest stops that get all of us laughing!

 

Screen Shot 2016-04-25 at 9.48.55 AMMe: I love your descriptions of the different kind of moms you find during the holidays.  I’m the opposite of Holiday Dieting Mom.  I look at the holidays as an excuse to eat everything in sight.  Chocolate-covered Matzoh?  I’m so there.  This gives me just that much more of a panic attack when I realize bathing suit season is just a month away.  Which Holiday Mom are you?

Mary Ann: I’m the don’t get on the neighborhood listserv mom. I’m too busy being a sh*tty mom.

Alicia. I am just like you. Eat everything in site. And don’t get me started on stress eating!!! Everything tastes better with holiday stress!

 

Me: I’m so impressed that you actually throw your kids’ school artwork away.  My kid went through a stage where he drew every single person with a pipe coming out of their head. Not their mouth. Their head.  We probably have sixty thousand variations of Pipe Head Man in our attic.  How do you recommend tossing the “art” surreptitiously?

Mary Ann: Do it while they are sleeping then hide the evidence really, really well beneath coffee grids or a hole in your backyard because if they catch you – boy are you in trouble.

Alicia: I got caught more than once. Now my kids sleep with one eye open!  Seriously, even though they are no longer that age, sometimes we would have conversations on who to ‘gift’ certain art to. Always a great idea to send art via snail mail.

 

Me: I find one of the scourges of summer is the required summer reading list. Every year my kids would leave it until the night before the new school year started and then we’d all panic and rent the movie or buy the Cliffs Notes or I’d just read the damn book and give them a synopsis.  What would a Sh*tty Mom do when confronted with this misery?

Mary Ann:  The same – Tracy you are sh*ttier than we thought! Or we often take the opposite approach – I’ve already done 6th grade… this is your journey. Let them fail.

Alicia. The panic is inevitable. Let them know how to start cramming now. It will prep them well for college.

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Me: Once the school year started, I was usually in such shell shock that I often found myself waking up ten minutes before the bell and driving the kids to school in my ducky bathrobe.  Did this make me a Sh*tty Mom?

Mary Ann: Yes! But in good way.  Your kids are teenagers… they can get themselves up now. You’re hAlf@ssing it – we applaud you.

Alicia: We have all done that at least once!  It makes for a great photo opp and future currency to threaten your children with down the road. ‘You don’t want me showing up at school in pjs, do you?’

 

Me: Which brings us to school lunches?  In general I think the schools do a much better job of providing lunch for my kids than my typical maximally processed lunch meat sandwich with a side of high trans fat snack food and a box of juice that is actually only 2% fruit.  Do you see a problem with this?

Mary Ann: One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was making my kids lunch because once you start you can’t go back.

Alicia. A Bag of Pretzels, a prepackaged cheese stick and a clementine are easy to toss into a lunch box. Instant lunch.

 

image3Don’t shoot me, I’m one of those moms who gets her holiday cards right out after Thanksgiving.  But the one thing I will never do is include one of those dreaded holiday letters.  Do I care that your kid spent a year in space with Scott Kelly and then came home and got the Nobel prize for curing baldness (something he figured out while living in space with Scott Kelly).  No, I really don’t.  As a Sh*tty Mom, are you pro or con the Holiday Letter?

Mary Ann: I’m always just impressed that someone goes to that much effort. They put more effort in the holiday card then I put into my kids 😉

Alicia: We giggle with excitement when we get them in the mail. But you will never catch us sending one. Could you imagine what it would say?

 

Me: Thanks so much for being here.  Let’s get together at some point and share the Halloween candy we stole from our kids!

 

Sh*tty Mom for All Seasons: Half-@ssing it All Year Long by Alicia Ybarbo and Mary Ann Zoellner with Erin Cline is available in bookstores and on Amazon, Barnes and Noble.com and other online retailers.  For more info and a peak inside, Click Here.

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Filed under Celeb Encounters, Da Holidays, The Writer's Life

It’s an Honor Just to be Nominated

12030349_10156801560420354_588056629815306578_oI went to The Oscars.

Do you like how nonchalantly I said that?

It’s actually more like, I WENT TO THE OSCARS!!

It’s true. I can’t even remember the last time I even stayed awake to watch the entire Oscars and now I attended the actual event. The other big difference is I wore an actual dress as opposed to feetie pajamas and my duckie bathrobe. Although if I wore my feetie pajamas and duckie bathrobe, someone might have mistaken me for Lady Gaga, which could have been fun.

Now before you think this is a regular occurrence, I can assure you that I have never been on any list, long or short, to be considered for attendance at any Hollywood event, ever, that would even include Charo.

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However, this year, a friend of a friend of a friend who knows Kevin Bacon (naturally), who is friends with someone who knows my husband gave him a ticket (my husband, not Kevin Bacon) to the Oscars. My husband was allowed to bring a guest, so, knowing this could be the last decision he would make in his life were he NOT to include me, he included me.

I was pretty excited about this, because it gave me a chance to reunite with some old friends I haven’t seen for awhile. First there’s Jennifer Aniston who’s wedding I attended in my dream one time. Then there’s Julia Roberts who has the same name as a friend of mine whom I’ve hung out with several times (my friend Julia Roberts, not the other Julia Roberts). And of course Jennifer Lawrence who was coming out of a restaurant bathroom stall one time as I was going in. I would have stopped to talk to her but I had drunk a lot of Diet Pepsi and I had to go. I expected that they would all be excited to see me, as well, until I realized they would have to climb to the 1018th row at the top of the balcony in the Dolby Theater to come visit me where I was seated.

IMG_2205 copyIn anticipation of this big event I had to get an Oscar-worthy dress. I had asked Valentino to design one for me, but shockingly, he didn’t return my calls. So, I perused some couture dresses online to get a sense of what was out there, but ultimately decided that IF I did happen to have $34,000 to spend on a dress, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing on my blog, but flying in my private jet to the Maldives for a weekend of R&R with Jennifer and Jennifer and making phony phone calls from the plane to Kanye. Since I did NOT have $34,000 to spend on a dress, though, I considered making one out of my window treatments like Maria did in The Sound of Music. However, considering the ancient state of my window treatments, I knew I would look like someone wearing a dress that was made out of window treatments, so I bought one instead.

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I also thought about asking our local jewelers to loan me some diamonds like Harry Winston does for the A-listers who walk the red carpet. However, since I knew I would be walking the blue carpet, which is the lesser carpet they have for friends of friends of friends of Kevin Bacon who are attending, I thought the best I could hope for from our jewelers was a friendship bracelet and some fancy dog tags.

And then, of course, there was the Spanx. I tried desperately to find Spanx that went from my chin to my ankles, but alas, the best I could do was a one piece version that went from the top of my ribs to the bottom of my thighs. When I complained to the saleslady that I couldn’t breathe, she replied, “Yes, but you’ll have a clean line under your dress.” I told her I was sure it would make a nice epitaph on my headstone when I died from suffocation: “Here lies Tracy. She had a clean line under her dress.”

12771705_10156803961405354_1233260421667093841_oFashion issuers aside, the truly exciting part of going to the Oscars was being at the party after the Oscars and rubbing elbows with the rich and famous (many of whom had no desire to rub elbows with me. Yes, I’m talking about you, Matt Damon).

Sadly, while there were a lot of celebrities at the party, there was also a lot of paparazzi. Every time I got within spitting distance of a screen star, I would get pushed out of the way so the photographers could get a shot of the celeb. This happened several times until finally, I got up close… really close… to Leonardo DiCaprio, enjoying his big moment after winning the Oscar for Best Actor.

12764417_10156803961360354_6545627314654306948_oThere he was, suddenly right next to me, chatting casually with Stephen Spielberg!

Unfortunately, he appeared before me just as I stuffed a giant brownie into my mouth, and as I tried to congratulate him, I ended up spitting partially chewed brownie onto his Oscar.

And there you have my big Oscars moment.

 

Still, it was an honor just to be nominated, I mean, invited, and I enjoyed every moment of this exciting journey.

I was just sorry I didn’t get a chance to use my acceptance speech for a new category they had this year:

Best Actor to Impersonate an Important Person at the Oscars.

 

©2016, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

“Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant. Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs” makes a great gift!! To get a copy for you or a cool mom you love, CLICK HERE

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Filed under Celeb Encounters, Uncategorized