Category Archives: Husbands and other Aliens

Playing Chicken with My Dinner

“What do you want for dinner?” I asked my husband.

“How about fish.” he replied.

I shook my head. “I had fish for lunch. How about steak?”

“I’m sick of steak,” he said. “How about chicken?”

I nodded. “Chicken it is.”

My husband went outside to light the grill while I jumped in the car to go get the food. I had planned to run into the supermarket, get the chicken, and then go right back home. But when I got inside, I realized I needed a bunch of other things. Half an hour later, I checked out with all my groceries and went home.

Without the chicken….

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Timeline of a Man Cold

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What’s scarier than a sick kid? A sick husband!

Day 1:  The sneeze.  The husband gives a worried glance and feels his forehead with the back of his hand.  He immediately begins taking large quantities of zync, Vitamin C, Theraflu, the boiled root of an African Baobab tree, essence of dung beetle oil, and Himalayan yodeling goat curd to stave off a possible Man Cold.

Day 2:  Husband develops a sore throat and stuffy nose but has no fever.  He takes to his bed and cancels all meetings and other business for the day.  His physician is consulted who diagnoses his condition as a common cold.  Unsatisfied with that diagnosis, husband consults WebMD and decides that he suffers instead from either Acute Invasive Asian Fungal Sinusitis or Fermented Shark Poisoning.

Day 3:  The cough.  Husband coughs a second time and then immediately contacts attorney to begin drawing up a new Will (leaving out doting wife who mistakenly brought home the wrong kind of chicken soup).  Husband’s mother is brought in to replace wife and make homemade chicken soup just like when he was a kid and say, “there, there.”

Day 4:  The CDC is called and placed on notice that a possible Man Cold pandemic might be on the horizon.  Quarantine tape is wrapped around the infected bedroom and NASA decontamination units are delivered for the other family members.  Anticipating widespread panic, the Governor declares a state of emergency and the National Guard is called in.  A team of Golden Retriever therapy puppies is brought in to help residents deal with their stress.

Day 5:  The Husband’s symptoms begin to wane.  He rises from the bed and asks how many weeks have passed since he became ill.

Day 6:  Husband’s Man Cold is almost entirely gone.  The quarantine tape is removed and the therapy puppies are sent home.  Husband says, it wasn’t so bad.  Wife is indicted by a grand jury for attempted murder.

Day 7:  Wife sneezes.

 

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