Category Archives: Cleanliness is Next to Impossibleness

Make Like a Tree and Leave

“Don’t you love fall foliage?” A friend of mine asked as we watched brilliant leaves of red, orange and gold waft down from the trees. “It’s such a beautiful time of year.”

I rolled my eyes. I had no patience for the leaf lovers, the autumn enthusiasts, the fall foliage fanatics. I had bigger fish to fry.

I was a woman with a house to clean.

Of course there was a time when I loved the change of seasons as much as anyone else. But now that I am a mother and a homemaker, I realize that the different seasons just mean different messes in the house. In the spring, the dog drags mud through the house. In the winter we have piles of slush. In the summer, everyone tracks in water from the pool. And now that fall is upon us, I can look forward to the melodic sound of leaves crunching under my feet in the family room.

I suppose I should be more understanding of this particular seasonal annoyance considering that it is a scientific anomaly. I have discovered that my house is uniquely situated in the center of the universe so that every time the back door opens, a giant wind tunnel is created which sucks all the leaves in from the deck and spits them into my house. It is such a rare occurrence in this part of the world, that scientists have actually named it the Beckerman Freak Foliage Phenomenon.

While we are pleased to have contributed to mankind’s understanding of the forces of nature, it is mostly just a big pain in the neck. If I don’t catch the leaves and sweep them up right away when they blow into the house, they get trampled and broken into millions of crunchy little leaf pieces that get into the rug and eventually all over the house until I crawl under the covers at night and find myself on a bed of shredded leaf. While this might be fun if you’re a hibernating bear, personally, I prefer my sheets to be cottony soft and decidedly leaf-free. 

Clearly, this would not be an issue if the door remained closed. However, my family seems to be somewhat door-challenged. They have no problem getting the door open: It’s the door closing they have trouble with. And when the door is left open and that wind tunnel thing happens, we get leaf piles in the house big enough to jump in. It can get so bad, I actually consider getting a rake and a leaf blower for inside the house to get it under control.

Finally one day, I hit my leaf breaking point.

“WHO LEFT THE DOOR OPEN???” I bellowed. The dog came running.

“No, not you.  You don’t have opposable thumbs.  You get a pass,”

Next my husband arrived.  I pointed to the fresh pile of leaves that had blown in from outside.

“Hey, why are there so many leaves in here?” he wondered.

I sighed. “Remember I said when you leave the door open, the leaves blow in?” He nodded blankly.

“Well, voila!” I exclaimed sweeping my arm around the room.

“Oh sorry,” he said while I went to grab the broom and vacuum cleaner. Ten minutes later I found the door open and a fresh pile of crunchy leaves in the family room.

“Congratulations,” I said to the guilty party, who was not, in fact the dog. “You get to clean up the leaves.” I handed him a broom and left the room. Moments later a voice rang out from the kitchen.

“Hey honey!”

I returned to the scene of the crime to find my husband, the broom, the dog, and three times as many leaves on the floor.

“What happened?” I asked incredulously.

“I went to sweep the leaves out, and when I opened the door, a big gust of wind blew all the leaves back in, plus a bunch more.”

I shook my head in disbelief. Then I took the broom and stuck it in the corner.

My husband stood perplexed. “What are you going to do?” he asked.

“Leave.”

©2017, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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Filed under Cleanliness is Next to Impossibleness, Husbands and other Aliens, This Old House

Cruisin’ in the Garbage Mobile

US_Garbage_Truck copyWe are a two-car family.  My husband drives the sexy, little midlife crisis car and I drive the monster kid tank.  

I suppose it makes sense because he only uses his car to drives himself to and from the train station, whereas I use mine to drive the kids and a cast of thousands around all day.  Naturally, I also need a lot of space to carry tons of groceries to feed the kids and their thousands of friends.  And, of course, I need a big car so I have a reason to whine to my husband about the fact that he gets to drive a sexy, little car and I have to drive a big mom-mobile.

Because he has a nice car, he keeps it immaculate.  Because I have kids eating junk in my car all the time, my car routinely looks like an explosion inside a Frito-Lay factory.  I really do try to keep it clean, I swear.

But it seems that whenever my husband needs to drive my car, it’s usually right after some kind of spontaneous junk food combustion happened in the back seat.

The irony, of course, is that in the house, I am obsessively neat and he is not, whereas in the car, he is Mr. Clean and I am Queen of the Pig Sty.

“Oh my god, this is disgusting,” said my husband one day as he surveyed the wreckage in the second row.  “I don’t understand how you can keep the house so clean and your car so gross.”

“I don’t understand how you can keep your car so clean and leave your socks on the floor in the house,” I responded defensively.

“There are crumbs on the back seat,” he said.

“There is a banana peel on your night table,” I shot back.

“There’s half a cup of coffee in the cupholder,” he announced.

“There is a pile of newspapers a foot high in the bedroom,” I shouted.

“I haven’t read those, yet,” he countered.

“Well, I didn’t finish that cup of coffee, yet,” I said.  We stared each other down.  It was a disgusto stand-off.

There was a long pregnant pause and then finally I caved. “OK, I’ll work on the car thing,” I finally said.

“I’ll try harder with the house,” he replied.  We shook hands.  I peered inside the car.

“Wow, you’re right,” I said.  “It is pretty gross in here.”

He nodded.

“So…” I said.  “Can I borrow your car?”

 

©2015, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

bookbutton-04“Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant. Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs” makes a great gift!! To get a copy for you or a cool mom you love, CLICK HERE

To become a fan of Lost in Suburbia on Facebook, Visit me here
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Filed under Cleanliness is Next to Impossibleness