I went to The Oscars.
Do you like how nonchalantly I said that?
It’s actually more like, I WENT TO THE OSCARS!!
It’s true. I can’t even remember the last time I even stayed awake to watch the entire Oscars and now I attended the actual event. The other big difference is I wore an actual dress as opposed to feetie pajamas and my duckie bathrobe. Although if I wore my feetie pajamas and duckie bathrobe, someone might have mistaken me for Lady Gaga, which could have been fun.
Now before you think this is a regular occurrence, I can assure you that I have never been on any list, long or short, to be considered for attendance at any Hollywood event, ever, that would even include Charo.
However, this year, a friend of a friend of a friend who knows Kevin Bacon (naturally), who is friends with someone who knows my husband gave him a ticket (my husband, not Kevin Bacon) to the Oscars. My husband was allowed to bring a guest, so, knowing this could be the last decision he would make in his life were he NOT to include me, he included me.
I was pretty excited about this, because it gave me a chance to reunite with some old friends I haven’t seen for awhile. First there’s Jennifer Aniston who’s wedding I attended in my dream one time. Then there’s Julia Roberts who has the same name as a friend of mine whom I’ve hung out with several times (my friend Julia Roberts, not the other Julia Roberts). And of course Jennifer Lawrence who was coming out of a restaurant bathroom stall one time as I was going in. I would have stopped to talk to her but I had drunk a lot of Diet Pepsi and I had to go. I expected that they would all be excited to see me, as well, until I realized they would have to climb to the 1018th row at the top of the balcony in the Dolby Theater to come visit me where I was seated.
In anticipation of this big event I had to get an Oscar-worthy dress. I had asked Valentino to design one for me, but shockingly, he didn’t return my calls. So, I perused some couture dresses online to get a sense of what was out there, but ultimately decided that IF I did happen to have $34,000 to spend on a dress, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing on my blog, but flying in my private jet to the Maldives for a weekend of R&R with Jennifer and Jennifer and making phony phone calls from the plane to Kanye. Since I did NOT have $34,000 to spend on a dress, though, I considered making one out of my window treatments like Maria did in The Sound of Music. However, considering the ancient state of my window treatments, I knew I would look like someone wearing a dress that was made out of window treatments, so I bought one instead.
I also thought about asking our local jewelers to loan me some diamonds like Harry Winston does for the A-listers who walk the red carpet. However, since I knew I would be walking the blue carpet, which is the lesser carpet they have for friends of friends of friends of Kevin Bacon who are attending, I thought the best I could hope for from our jewelers was a friendship bracelet and some fancy dog tags.
And then, of course, there was the Spanx. I tried desperately to find Spanx that went from my chin to my ankles, but alas, the best I could do was a one piece version that went from the top of my ribs to the bottom of my thighs. When I complained to the saleslady that I couldn’t breathe, she replied, “Yes, but you’ll have a clean line under your dress.” I told her I was sure it would make a nice epitaph on my headstone when I died from suffocation: “Here lies Tracy. She had a clean line under her dress.”
Fashion issuers aside, the truly exciting part of going to the Oscars was being at the party after the Oscars and rubbing elbows with the rich and famous (many of whom had no desire to rub elbows with me. Yes, I’m talking about you, Matt Damon).
Sadly, while there were a lot of celebrities at the party, there was also a lot of paparazzi. Every time I got within spitting distance of a screen star, I would get pushed out of the way so the photographers could get a shot of the celeb. This happened several times until finally, I got up close… really close… to Leonardo DiCaprio, enjoying his big moment after winning the Oscar for Best Actor.
There he was, suddenly right next to me, chatting casually with Stephen Spielberg!
Unfortunately, he appeared before me just as I stuffed a giant brownie into my mouth, and as I tried to congratulate him, I ended up spitting partially chewed brownie onto his Oscar.
And there you have my big Oscars moment.
Still, it was an honor just to be nominated, I mean, invited, and I enjoyed every moment of this exciting journey.
I was just sorry I didn’t get a chance to use my acceptance speech for a new category they had this year:
Best Actor to Impersonate an Important Person at the Oscars.
©2016, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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