“Is that so?” he responded, without looking up from his computer.
“I’m serious,” I said. “He really wants to be a better dog in 2015.”
My husband closed the computer and eyed me suspiciously. “He told you this?”
“Well, not exactly,” I admitted. “But I felt his remorse, so I helped him write up a list of ways he can improve upon his dogginess next year.”
Truth be told, Monty did not need to do much to be a better dog. He was a great fetch dog (even when he wouldn’t give back the things he fetched), a polite member of the family (even when he passed gas and tried to blame it on someone else), and an incredibly affectionate animal (even when he tried to French kiss the mailman). I really didn’t think he needed to improve upon his dog skills.
However, as a Golden Retriever, he set a high bar for himself and I could sense that he wanted to set some goals for the New Year… and who am I to get in the way of his self-improvement ambitions.
“Number one,” I read from the list. “Monty endeavors to break his underwear and sock chewing habit, or at least cut it down to one pair of boxers a day.”
“Number two. Monty promises to dig fewer holes out back so our backyard will no longer resemble the surface of the moon.”
Monty crossed his paws. I wasn’t sure he was 100% behind that resolution.
“Number three. Monty resolves not to pee in the house when a service technician comes to repair something,” I continued.
“Anywhere in the house?” My husband wondered.
“He can’t promise the floor but he guarantees the family room rug.”
Monty and my husband exchanged conciliatory glances.
“Number five. Monty agrees not to steal any food off the kitchen counter, as long as it’s not steak, chicken, eggs, tuna fish or peanut butter.”
My husband looked at me skeptically. “So basically he’s agreeing not to steal vegetables off the counter?”
“Take it or leave it,” I said.
He rolled his eyes. Monty quietly spiked the football.
“I LOVE that resolution,” my husband said emphatically.
“… but he asks that in return, you don’t keep him up with your snoring.”
My husband narrowed his eyes at me. “The DOG said that?”
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll try to do that as long as HE doesn’t hog the bathroom in the mornings.”
I squinted back at him. “Monty doesn’t use the bathroom.”
“…And I don’t snore,” my husband retorted.
We glared at each other for a moment. “Tell you what,” I said. “Monty won’t hog the bathroom if you won’t snore and I won’t bark at the mailman.”
Monty licked himself and my husband pecked me on the cheek.
“Deal. Happy New Year!”
©2015, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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