The New Ten-ish Commandments

I recently saw a reshowing of Cecil B. DeMille’s classic film, The Ten Commandments.

MV5BMjE0MTg5MTI3OF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwODE5MzMzMQ@@._V1._SX364_SY500_Usually they air this movie around Passover, which makes sense given that it is the story of… Passover.  But I guess this TV station thought the time around Hanukkah would work just as well. Matzoh… latkes… whatever.

Jewish holidays aside, I always loved this movie because, really, who doesn’t love Charlton Heston, whether he is talking to a burning bush or yelling at a bunch of talking apes.  Of course, Yul Brynner was amazing as Pharoh, too, but it was Heston who parted the Red Sea and I think we all know that was the coolest part of the whole movie.  Believe, me I’ve tried to do that in my bathtub and it’s just not as easy as it looks.

Charlton-Heston-as-Moses-The-Ten-Commandments-1956-ParamountAnyway, I was thrilled to have a chance to see it again because I had heard that someone in Hollywood was actually thinking of remaking this movie. Personally, I think this is an exceptionally bad idea, for a number of reasons. First of all, no one can do Moses like Charlton Heston.  They would probably put someone like Russell Crowe in the role and I’d be worried throughout the whole movie that he might break into song like he did in Les Miz.  Shudder.

heston_mosesThe original Ten Commandments movie was four hours long.  To make it work for this Millenium, they’d probably have to cut it way down. The only way to do this would be to cut out maybe five or so plagues and trim the Ten Commandments to seven.  I’m really not sure which commandments could possibly be dropped although, I suspect, coming from Hollywood, numbers 3-10 would be considered optional.

Of course, it’s also likely they would need to expand the original Ten Commandments to account for the differences in our lifestyles today versus when the movie was originally made.  For instance, Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor… would need to be expanded to read, Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor… unless he has a cool car, a hot wife, and the latest iPhone.  Additionally, they might need to make room for a few new commandments, such as Thou Shalt Not Tweet Drunk, and Thou Shalt Not Defriend and Block Your Family on Facebook.

tencommandments rideWith all these additions, it’s more likely that they would have to make the new movie into a two or three-parter, like The Lord of the Rings, which they would probably want to do anyway to make more money from it and drive everyone crazy waiting for the next installment to come out. I also imagine the new movie will be shot in 3D and Imax and Surround Sound and they will probably have real hail come down on you in the theater to make it feel like you are actually part of the now five plagues.  Personally, I prefer to see my movies without being pelted by hail, frogs, or locusts, but the more realistic they can make the movie, the happier everyone will be, especially all the investors and the people who plan to turn the movie into a simulator ride at a theme park in Orlando.

Truthfully, I think there are some things that are sacrosanct and should just be left alone.  I mean, next thing you know, they’ll be making an epic film about Noah’s Ark, starring Russsell Crowe.

Oh, wait.

Please Hollywood, Let My Movie Go!

©2013, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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3 responses to “The New Ten-ish Commandments

  1. Have you ever heard George Carlin’s riff on the 10 Commandments? Also priceless.

  2. Harvey Baron

    Fun writing. Did you know Charlton Heston was a major gun advocate? Hmmm..wonder if Moses also felt that way.

    Xxxxx Pops

    Sent from my iPad

    On Nov 18, 2013, at 9:38 AM, Lost in Suburbia wrote: lostinsuburbiablog posted: “I recently saw a reshowing of Cecil B. DeMilles classic film, The Ten Commandments. Usually they air this movie around Passover, which makes sense given that it is the story of Passover. But I guess this TV station thought the time around Hanukkah wo”

  3. Loved it, my sentiments too, but you said it funnier. sd