Application for your Child to be Friends with our Child

Thank you for your interest in applying for friendship!

Our children met on the school playground and seem to like each other.  We would love to encourage this budding friendship but require some additional information to ensure the match is a suitable one.  We hold our child’s friends to the highest standards, or more accurately, we hold their parents to the highest income bracket.  As superficial people with an exaggerated respect for wealth and high social status, we want to ensure that when we tell people who are our children’s friends are, and more importantly, what their parents own, they will know the children come from good breeding and outstanding vacation homes we can visit and then brag about!

(Please submit this application with a copy of your 2012 tax returns, stock portfolio,
and third quarter sales report from your vineyard in Napa)

1. Occupation (Please check any or all that apply)
You and/or your spouse/partner are a:
◊ Rocket Scientist
◊ Head of State
◊ Successful documentary filmmaker
◊ Creator of a wildly popular PBS TV series
◊ Heir to a candy or hotel empire
◊ Purveyor of rare artisanal cheese
◊ Foreign Dignitary with a title
◊ Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (skip directly to question #8)
◊ Do not work because you are insanely, disgustingly, filthy rich
◊ Other (please indicate Forbes ranking) _____

2. You drive your child to school in a:
◊ Bentley
◊ Maserati
◊ Bugatti
◊ Leer Jet
◊ Caravan of camels
◊ My child lives at a private boarding school and does not need to be driven
◊ I do not drive. I have a driver
◊ He/She takes the bus (please discontinue application)

3. Vacation Home (please check all that apply):
◊ Swiss Ski Chalet
◊ Beachfront property (French Polynesia or Isle of Bali only)
◊ South American Hacienda
◊ Hawaiian Coffee Plantation
◊ Yacht (please indicate how many it sleeps ______ and if it comes with a chef who cooks organic) _____yes _____no
◊ RV, on cement blocks, in the driveway (please discontinue application)

4. Yes!  We have a pet!  It is a:
◊ Tibetan Mastiff
◊ Miniature Alpaca
◊ Retired Thoroughbred Race Horse
◊ Dromedary Camel (Please indicate if housebroken) _____yes _____no
◊ Our child invented a new breed of hairless, hypoallergenic hamster!
◊ LabraCollieBoxerDoodle (Please discontinue application)

5. Your child’s hobbies:
◊ Bio-medical research
◊ Extreme ice-sculpting
◊ Gourmet cupcake decoration
◊ Blindfolded archery
◊ Long distance Amazon kayaking
◊ Card tricks (please discontinue application)

6. When your child grows up, you would like him/her to:
◊ Go to an impressive, obscenely expensive university with a building named for your family
◊ Be a Rocket Scientist
◊ Find a rich spouse, not work, and volunteer organizing canine cotillions
◊ Create a new social media platform, sell it for a billion dollars, and retire at 25
◊ Drop out of college to pursue a career as a polka singer and come back home to live with you (please discontinue application)

7. Your child eats (check all that apply):
◊ Only organic, locally farmed, GMO-free foods that are hand-picked by Swedish virgins.
◊ Soy, almond or rice milk, or the milk of a lactating Himalayan yak.
◊ Wild salmon harvested from the Haffjardara river in Iceland.
◊ Wheat-free, spelt-free, corn-free, dairy-free macaroni and cheese
◊ Twinkies and HoHos (please discontinue application)

8. Lineage:
◊ Ancestors came over on the Mayflower
◊ Descendants of Cnut the Great
◊ Heir to the Liechtenstein Throne
◊ Third Cousin twice removed from Elvis
◊ Descended from Neanderthals (please discontinue application)

Thank you for your time! You will be contacted in approximately 2 weeks or as soon as we finish running a credit check on you.

©2013, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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5 responses to “Application for your Child to be Friends with our Child

  1. I love this, so hysterical- and so true in so many ways!!

  2. Too funny! In my neighborhood driving a year old Ford Focus is a status symbol.

  3. Loved it. Left a comment. sd