Top Ten Things to Tell Your Kids When They Discover You Ate All Their Candy

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10. That was Halloween Candy. It expires after Christmas. That way you make more room for Valentine’s Candy

9. I didn’t eat it. Your brother/sister/father/babysitter/grandmother/the dog/the UPS guy/Mrs. Butterworth/The Tooth Fairy/Aliens/Bill O’Reilly ate it.

8. NO, that is not chocolate on my mouth. It’s the new brown lipstick that is very in this year. All the celebrities are wearing it.

7. Dr. Oz says people over 40 should have chocolate every day because it is rich in antioxidants. You’re under 40. You’re good.

6. This kid in a DeLorean appeared suddenly in the middle of our kitchen, took the candy, shoved it into something he called a Flux Capacitor, and disappeared again.

5. Scientists discovered the existence of a Black Hole right here in our pantry. It’s pretty exciting news but sadly, your candy got sucked into it and is now on the other side of the universe.

4. I got an email from a Prince in Nigeria who said if I sent him $2,500 and all our candy, he would share his fortune with me. It sounded like a good deal.

3. I’m sorry. I was so upset when I heard that Justin and Selena were donesies for good, that I ate the candy and cried while I listened to “Baby, Baby, Baby” for three hours.

2. There was never any candy. It was all just a dream.

1. Lance Armstrong admitted that he ate all your chocolate.

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7 Comments

Filed under Who Are These Children and Why are they Calling Me Mommy

7 responses to “Top Ten Things to Tell Your Kids When They Discover You Ate All Their Candy

  1. I’m gonna use #10. They’re all great. That no good Bill O’Reilly. I knew I didn’t trust him. Him and that Armstrong boy.

  2. Great job. Did the kids buy the excuses? sd

  3. Do kids these days know what a flux capacitor is? If so they’re gonna know that you need plutonium to fuel it, not candy.