An Open Letter to the Grammar Police

Dear Grammar Police,

I wanted to thank you publicly for noticing a grammatical error in my recent column (“Tracy Beckerman, Dis-Robed”), with regard to my use of the pronoun “I.”

Apparently I had written, “the kids and I,” when I should have said “the kids and me.” This was a gross error of unparalleled magnitude and I apologize profusely for committing this miscarriage of syntax and offending your finely tuned grammatical sensibilities. I realize that as a writer, I should be well-schooled in the use of “I vs. Me,” but it’s (its?) often difficult to remember all the rules when I’m focused on much less important things like making sure my humor column is funny. There (Their? They’re?) are so many rules to remember, (:? ;?) such as not ending a sentence with a preposition like another writer does who (whom? that?) I went to school with. Or a sentence fragment. And starting a sentence with a conjunction.

I’m sure my 3rd grade English teacher, Mrs. Kinsler, (may she rest in peace. Or is it piece?) would be appalled to know that I had not yet mastered the “I vs. Me” rule. She once sent a letter home to my parents and I (me and my parents?) about my ongoing problems with this rule, and one time she even sent me to the principal (principle??) because of it.
Shame on me that this is something I still have a problem with.

Sadly, as a writer in today’s technological age, I have become lazy and prefer to spend my time lying (laying?) around eating bon bons and letting the computer’s spell and grammar check do the work for me. This is a continual (continuous?) challenge for me and something I know I need to work on because it affects (effects?) my readers who (whom?) count on me to get it right (write? rite? Jeez.). I plan to address this forthwith (in a fortnight, actually, if I am being forthcoming), and assure you my editors and I (and me? Me and my editors? Whatever!) will make every attempt to make sure this does not happen again.

Thank you so much for your understanding. You sound like someone I could really be friends with.

Sincerely, or most sincerely, but definitely not sincerefully,

Tracy Beckerman

©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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10 responses to “An Open Letter to the Grammar Police

  1. Wow- your so write. It drives I crazy when people do that and comment on that. There so obnoxious and I hope they dye. I love your blog so.

  2. Mark

    I agree. You better be careful or you might loose your job.

  3. They done didn’t learn us rednecks much of that them there grammar in school. We was sort of left to our own devices.

  4. Oh gawrsh, grammartics are not fer dummies like I.

  5. At least you didn’t use “myself.” I see that all the time (“the manager and myself” *facepalm*).

    I do think that we should be gracious when someone points out such an error, though. Generally, the commenter is a person who believes clarity on first reading is paramount over the “they can figure it out” school, and who is trying to help.

  6. I am a member of the Grammar Police Squad, yet I still giggled when I read this. Love your sense of humor!

  7. Certainly, everyone needs to worry if it is all “WELL” or “GOOD”…any other rule is unimportant.

  8. Love it. My daughter has a friend that is very intelligent, but knows it and uses every opportunity to correct people grammar and spelling. She is a good kid, but a total bitch on Facebook.