Ovary and Above the Call of Duty

I really don’t understand the point of a uterus and ovaries once you are done having kids. I think once you make up your mind that the kitchen is closed, your lady parts should just fall out so you don’t have to deal with them anymore.

I’m 47 and my kids have one foot out the door to college, so for me, the idea of having more kids is about as tempting as getting Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Although a lot of my friends in a similar stage of life have gone in for the Housewife Hysterectomy Special, I’m not a big fan of surgery unless some doctor is willing to throw in a Tummy Tuck and some Lipo for free.

Yes, I know there are some good hormones associated with having all my lady parts intact. But my hors are not happy. My hors are moaning about having to keep up production this late in the game. And since my doctor has assured me that I show no signs of early or even late menopause, I get to keep on being pre-post-peri and during menopausal three to four weeks out of every month.

Yee-freakin-ha.

The problem for me is that although everything is still in working order, I have developed a Cranky Uterus. I’m not sure if this is an actual medical term or just something my doctor came up with because he thought it was an adjective I could understand. My uterus gets upset when I ovulate and it stays upset until the whole cycle is complete. I can relate. I’ve been known to hold a grudge too. However, I can usually be won over with chocolates, flowers or jewelry. My uterus is not that easily swayed.

Having a Cranky Uterus obviously makes me cranky which makes my husband unhappy. Having survived two Cranky Pregnancies, two very Cranky Labor and Deliveries, and some really, really Cranky Hemorrhoids (are there any other kind?), he’s pretty much had it with my Petulant Lady Parts. He said if we spent nearly as much time talking about his Moody Male Parts, I would have divorced him years ago. I told him his male parts have two settings: Happy or Waiting to Be Happy and therefore, there is nothing to discuss aside from the fact that when my Uterus is Cranky, he is stuck in that Waiting to Be Happy place for a good long while which, obviously makes him very Unhappy.

At my most recent check up, I told my doctor the saga of my Cranky Uterus, my Moaning Hors and my husband’s Unhappy Male Parts and he told me I had two options: either get my lady parts sucked out with a straw, or deal with them and stick it out until the hot flashes set in.

Since neither option really floated my boat, I decided to buy my Uterus some Chocolate and try to woo it to a happier place. Hopefully that place is a nice womb with a view.

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20 Comments

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20 responses to “Ovary and Above the Call of Duty

  1. Hahahahaa!! Love it.

  2. Tracy, I understand your plight. I am 52 years old, no signs of menopause, and far beyond the cranky phase. Weapon of choice? Jeni’s Splendid Ice Cream, dark chocolate, with a side of salty caramel. Be strong, comrad. Order some. Now. You’re welcome.

    • I do not know this Jeni’s of which you speak. Hmmm…. the sisterhood has been holding out on me!

      • Tracy…if you go to my blog (www.jpgraham.blogspot.com), and go to the top of the third page, you can read all about Jeni’s. You really, really, need to investigate this matter.

      • Jen, went to your blog and could not find a page 3. Did read your amusing anniversary story though. Can totally relate to the spider thing. Not a fan of bugs, especially big hairy ones that run across the floor at 20mph!

      • Tracy, This is because I have substandard blogging skills. You have to go to the bottom of the page, and up and to the right of the dog’s picture, it says “older posts.”. Click on that and it goes to page 2. Do the hokey pokey, turn yourself around and do the same thing on that page and you’ll get to page 3. This is assuming you don’t have a life and all.

      • Read you blog and LOVED IT, but it would not let me leave a comment because every time I typed in the stupid word recognition thing, it told me I did it wrong and it thinks I am a spam bot trying to hack your account.
        But anyway, about the ice cream, I curse you because it looks and sounds really awesome and now I have to move to Ohio! Or your could just fed ex some to NJ for me…..

      • Thanks, Tracy! Hey, aren’t you in New Jersey? Jeni’s is sold in Lincoln Park, Springfield and Little Silver….will any of those do?

    • I googled it and found a number of places that sell it in NJ and restaurants that SERVE it nearby. Woo-hoo! this is not going to go over well with my new tankini.

  3. I hear ya sister. your uterus ain’t cranky, it’s tired. it’s bad enough we had the kids, nursed the kids and now this?? Falling out lady parts? Puh-leeze.

  4. Hahahaha! Loved this. Especially the description of the man’s parts as either “Happy” or “waiting to be happy.” lol! Going to steal that one.

    I’m halfway there to saying I’m done with my lady parts. Too old to really have another baby, but have always wanted a second. It just wasn’t meant to be. But, I still hold onto the “idea” that it could no matter how old I get. I think what makes me even crankier than the hors is just the fact that every month I get reminded that another one isn’t on its’ way. 😦

    • I’m sorry! 😦 I think we left the door open for a third for a while but now that the kids are 15 and 17 and I am staring 50 in the face, the writing is on the wall.
      However, my uterus doesn’t seem like it is ready to shut the door yet!

  5. Stella

    I said to my husband, “I am so OVER this menstruation business” — it was last exciting when I was 12. The funny thing is, for years I tried to convince him to get a vasectomy (he was too squeamish, the big baby), so by his waiting it out, the business of closing up shop falls to me. Kind of the same way if he puts off a household chore, eventually I’ll do it!

  6. OMG, I laughed so hard. I love the cranky uterus and the happy vs. waiting to be happy male parts.

    I haven’t heard of Jeni’s either, but Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie accomplishes what Alieve cannot!