Interrogation by The Bathroom Police

There is this thing that I do that annoys the heck out of my family. Well, to be honest, there are a lot of things, but I am thinking of one thing in particular.

Whenever someone is in the bathroom for what I determine to be an abnormally long period of time, I stand outside the bathroom door and yell,


I don’t know if it’s a woman thing or a mom thing or a Jewish thing, or maybe a combination of all three. It’s definitely not a guy thing because when the guy in question exits the bathroom, he glares at me and asks me why I do that.

“Do what?” I respond.

“Ask me if everything is okay. What are you, the Bathroom Police?”

“Well, I just want to make sure you ARE okay,” I stammer.

“If I am NOT okay, I will either yell for help, or slip a piece of toilet paper under the door that says, “I’m constipated. Call 911..”




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17 responses to “Interrogation by The Bathroom Police

  1. Reading through this I flashed back to a memory of my grandparents. My grandad’s only refuge from my gramma was the bathroom. After 10 minutes tho, she would hammer on the locked door and yell in Hebrew “Are you ok in there? Are you dying? Come out already!!”

    I resolved never to do that.

    I do however have teenage boys who can spend an inordinate amount of time in their shared-btw-4-brothers bathroom. After ten minutes I do yell through the door – are you finished? There’s people waiting….

    Six of one, half a dozen of the other…. we’re moms. Just the way it is.

  2. laughing so hard I am crying.
    when I was still in TV–and in the throes of potty training–and before a long-ish car trip… I asked the anchor AND the photog if they needed to go potty first.

    They did, actually, and thanked me for reminding them.

    • Lydia, I did something similar. One time after my son was born and I was still working in TV, I went to do a promos shoot with one of the news anchors and noticed he had a little cream cheese on his face from breakfast. I LICKED MY FINGER and then wiped the cream cheese off his face. I actually could not understand why he recoiled in disgust!

  3. Trust me, it is NOT a JEWISH thing! Sorry, you’ll just have to share this little quirk with all the rest of us who try to be helpful by keeping track of the bathroom time allotment. Well, it’s true, a lot of people “die on the toilet”–constipation can be a killer, you know. So keep on loving that husband, it will be your best defense at your divorce proceedings. At least that’s what my husband tells me. Best, Barb

  4. I do this all of the time to my husband and he gets sooo annoyed!

  5. ROFL! I don’t do this, but I am laughing at how you got there – makes perfect sense! I’m actually the one annoyed at my family’s lack of understanding when it come to bathroom privacy. If I don’t lock the door, that’s when they decide is the best time to come in and ask all the questions that couldn’t wait to ask until I was out, like, “when will dinner be ready?” and “can I wear this dress today?” Thanks for the laugh!

    • I used to have the same problem when my kids were little. No boundaries. Now it’s my husband who will walk in on me, sit on the edge of the tub and start talking about something stupid. I’m like, “Really? Is there any other time when we can talk about this when my pants are not down around my ankles and I’m sitting on the throne?”

  6. OH, my god, my mother does this ALL THE TIME. Well, she did when we were growing up. Hmmm. I wonder if she still does it even though it’s just her and my dad in the apartment now…this was high-larious.

  7. I do this too I must admit but it’s borne of selfishness rather than concern: I want to make sure there’s enough hot water for MY shower 😉

  8. Robin

    Tracy: Are you my mother?