Top Ten Ways to Lose Weight and Get Fit in 2012

As someone who has gained and lost enough weight over the years to make a whole other person, I like to think I have some experience in the matter of how to get back in shape after the holidays. If you are like me and you started your downward holiday trajectory with leftover Halloween candy, and kept right on going through the Thanksgiving chocolate turkeys to the Christmas party buffets and candy cane binges, then this Top 10 List of Ways to Lose Weight and Get Fit in 2011 is for you… with the disclaimer that no one in their right mind should actually follow my advice.

1.Get the Flu
True, it doesn’t feel so great while you have it, but this is a surefire way to drop about ten pounds in ten days. I was lucky enough to come down with the flu before the holidays and I did actually lose ten pounds, which meant I could eat my way back up from Thanksgiving to New Years. Unfortunately, I put the ten back on, plus another ten, which means I need to get sick again to break even.

2. Give the Flu to your Husband and Kids
Nothing kills an appetite more than the sight of all those runny noses, nasty tissues and other icky sickness symptoms. Plus, you’ll work off extra weight running up and down the stairs to do all the extra loads of laundry generated by your sick family. Bonus!

3. Buy Food Your husband Likes
I have a theory that there is a finite amount of fat in the universe. When one person loses it, someone else has to gain it. Therefore, if you want to lose some weight, you have to arrange it so that it gets picked up by someone else. So when I need to lose weight, I stock up on dark chocolate, chocolate covered raisins, and Mint Chocolate Chip Ice cream (none of which I happen to like) so I can be assured my husband will pig out and I will get skinny.

4. Photoshop all your Pictures.
OK, making yourself skinny in Photoshop is not exactly the same thing as losing weight in real life, but if you don’t ever go out in public, no one will know the difference. Besides, if it’s good enough for the magazine cover models, it’s good enough for you!

5. Hang out with People who are Fatter than You
Another cheat. You don’t have to diet or work out. Just stand next to fat people and you will look svelte and toned in comparison.

6. Get Pregnant
…Then you can tell everyone you’re not fat, you’re just pregnant. Or better yet, don’t get pregnant… just tell everyone that you are.

7. Go on “Dancing with the Stars”
All the celebs that go on that show lose an average of ten – twenty pounds. Of course, first you have to become famous, or at least had been famous for five minutes, in order to get on the show. For more on that, see my other list: Tracy’s Top Ten Ways to Become Famous and Get on “Dancing with the Stars.”

8. Go on Vacation
The key to this one is to go to another country where you shouldn’t drink the water and then you do. A good case of Dysentery or Giardia should help you shed some of those holiday pounds!

9. If You Must Exercise, Combine it with a Fun Activity
Personally, I find that shopping discount stores on sale days is the ultimate exercise. You can get a great upper arm workout wrestling someone for the last cute DKNY sweater and burn some serious calories dashing to the checkout line to beat the crowds.

10. Don’t Despair if you Break Your Diet
So you fell off the wagon a week after New Years. Don’t get down on yourself. Just think of it as getting a head start on the holiday weight gain for next year.

©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Top Ten Ways to Lose Weight and Get Fit in 2012

  1. Thanks for the tips; they’re very valuable to living a fruitful life. Without these important steps, we would all be walking blobs. Great post and I look forward to sharing more with you:))

  2. You are a bloody genius! You’ve saved me a ton hassle, thanks a million 🙂

  3. Awesome list! You forgot ‘plan to attend your high school (college/university) reunion!

    • I usually just send a stand-in who is 20 yrs younger and 20 pounds thinner. The other attendees are so drunk they don’t realize it’s not me and then they set their hearts out that I look so much better than they do.

  4. Deb

    Don’t forget the ever popular eating tainted seafood method. Always good for losing 10 lbs out the a@# about 3 hours after chowing down on some raw oysters.