I Love the 80’s… Hair

Every week I take my son to the Allergist to get a shot. There is nothing typically unique or noticeable about either the office or the experience. But this week when we entered the waiting room, I had the realization that I had travelled back in time.
I had no doubt that I had arrived back in the 80’s. It wasn’t the music or the décor. It was…

The hair.

Seated on four chairs were a mullet, a tail, a man pony and a helmet.

On one of the chairs was a boy of about 8 or 9 with the most impressive mullet I had seen in 30 years. If you blocked out the memory of this hairdo, it is extremely short in the front and sides and long in the back (think Billy Rae Cyrus during his Achy Breaky days). Next to him was a woman with extremely short hair and a long, thin braid of hair extending from the bottom of one side of her head like a Jedi knight. This blip in hair history was called a tail, or more accurately a rattail, because of the part of the body of the rat that it resembled. Next to her was a large bald man… bald, that is, save for the horseshoe of hair way at the back of his head that was pulled into a long straggly ponytail, also known as a man pony. And beside him was a woman with the biggest helmet of hair frozen in place by no less than two cans of Aqua Net on anyone since Melanie Griffith in “The Working Girl.”

I looked back at the elevator to see if there was any indication that it was some kind of time portal, like Doc Brown’s DeLorean.

I turned to my son.

“The 80’s are back and they’re pissed!”

Having been born after the 80’s, this was my son’s first real life exposure to the hair crimes of that era. Although he had seen pictures and videos, he had never come face to face with real hair history like this before. I could tell he was simultaneously fascinated and horrified.

“WOW!” he whispered to me. “Is that what people looked like when you were young?”

“Yes, young Padawan,” I replied. “It was a dark time for my kind.” I nodded to the woman with the helmet hair. “Her people are responsible for the hole in the ozone today.” I pointed to the woman with the tail. “Many innocent rats gave their lives for that hairstyle.”

We both wondered what strange forces had conspired to bring so many hair disasters together in one place. Was it a break in the hair-space continuum? A black hole in the universe that allowed no light but did allow bad 80’s hair? Perhaps they were all headed to an A-ha reunion concert after their allergy shots?

Now I had lived through the 80’s, but I chose to painstakingly destroy all evidence of my own hairsprayed helmet of feathered perfection so that it did not surface on the Internet, embarrass my children, and destroy any vestiges of self-respect I had remaining after admitting that I drove a Pacer and owned all the Flock of Seagulls albums (both of them).

I was fortunate to have walked away mostly unscathed by my 80’s past.
But as they say, if you do not learn from history, you are doomed to repeat it.

As we stared in awe at the lineup, the elevator door opened and a woman walked out with a perfect, quintessential 80’s side ponytail.

My son turned to me with raised eyebrows.

“What do you call that?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Frightening.”

©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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5 responses to “I Love the 80’s… Hair

  1. You should probably move …
    I see no other option, its like pod people have moved to your neighborhood and taken over the natives.
    Run. Run for your life or arm yourself with Aqua Net.

  2. There is no more Aqua Net. The Helmet Heads bled the drugstore dry.

  3. Hilarious! It makes you wonder if there’s some correlation to the 80s hairstyles and the fact that they all had allergies… I was guilty of the big, teased bangs. So high, in fact, that in several photos, my bangs extend far beyond what the camera could capture. My husband traveled to Poland last summer and sent me several photos indicating that the 80s had, indeed, migrated to Krakow. I may need to re-read Revelations, but could this be one of the signs of the apocalypse?

  4. You only THINK you have destroyed all pictures….