(Sung to the tune of I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General from The Pirates of Penzance)
I am the very model of a Toilet Paper General
I make sure all our bathrooms are equipped with the essent-i-als
One-pliable or two-able; it’s all so very doable
So how come no one’s figured out how to replace a tube-able?
When sitting on the porcelain throne with something quite intestinal
Resulting from a burger I suspect was undigestable
But what is most unbearable, there’s not a single square-able
I’m stuck here on the toilet ‘til the end of the millennial.
(She’s stuck there on the toilet ‘til the end of the millennial!)
I’m not a Mensa genius and I don’t get quadrilaterals
I can’t get quantum physics, and I’m fuzzy on free radicals
But in matters that are flushable, and ultra Cottonelle-able
I am the very model of a Toilet Paper General.
I potty trained the kids when they were not quite two and three-able
I think they found the process to be really quite agreeable
Making pee and poop-able, they flush when they are through-able
So why is it so hard to figure out the roll’s removeable?
(Why IS it so darn hard to figure out the roll’s removeable?)
One day I hope the Toilet paper problem will be fixable
The leaving of an empty roll will cease and be desistable
Who knows if it is doable, but one thing is quite true-able
The boys will still forget to put the freakin’ seat back down-able!
I am the bathroom tissue boss and captain of TP patrol
The self-appointed tzar in charge of all things toilet paper roll
Whipple and the Charmin Bears, might be more recognizable
But I’m the very model of a Toilet Paper General.