No Ifs, Ands or Coconuts!! A Scary Halloween Candy Tale.

When the air gets a hint of a chill to it and the leaves start drifting down off the trees, I know that the time has come for me to quietly bid farewell to summer…
and start to FREAK THE HECK OUT about Halloween candy.

Yes, it’s true. I have Halloween candy neurosis.

The problem is we live on a cul-de-sac and so our trick or treating traffic tends to be on the light side. While the situation has never changed in the 10plus years we have been living in our house, for some reason, I always panic at the supermarket, imagine we will be hit with an army of costumed candy-craving zombies, and buy way candy more than we will ever hand out.

The result is that we are left with a huge volume of undistributed candy that invariably, inevitably, inexcusably ends up in my mouth.

This year I decided I was going to break the cycle of excessive candy-ness. My plan was two-fold. I was going to buy less than I thought I needed. And I was only going to buy candy I hated.

In addition to being candy smart, I was also going to be candy thrifty. I had stock piled a number of candy coupons from one particular store over that past month in anticipation of this event. Armed with my coupons and my resolve, I headed out to the store to show the candy who was boss.

Although I was confident in my plan, I knew that buying candy that I hated would be a challenge. I will eat just about any candy that is not chocolate-covered something-that-used-to-be-a-bug, with one other exception:
I won’t eat coconut. While I like coconut and I like chocolate, I can’t eat the two of them together. I don’t know what it is about the combination, but it makes my tongue want to get up and walk out of my mouth. Adding in an almond does nothing to help the situation. So while I won’t name names, you get the idea about which candy I won’t eat.

This was the candy I intended to buy.

Full of self-righteous coconut indignation, I hit the Halloween candy aisles and began searching for the coconut-candy-that-shall-not-be-named. I avoided the chocolate peanut butters and the chocolate nougats and the chocolate chocolates in my single-minded quest for the one candy I would not eat.

But there was nuthin’.
No coconut. No coconut with almonds. No coconut nuthin’. Either a busload of crazed chocolate coconut loving tourists had stopped off at the market and completely emptied the store of coconut candy, or the store had simply decided, like me, that the candy was just too icky to carry anymore. Either way, my master candy plan was derailed. I was at a loss. My entire Halloween strategy was at stake. What was I to do?

Sheilding my eyes from the shelves of candy that I wanted to avoid, I marched up to the checkout counter and asked for the manager.

“WHERE’S THE COCONUT?” I demanded.

“We’re out,” she said simply.

“Are you getting more?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” she responded.

“Hmmm.” I said, pondering my options. “Then do you have any chocolate covered bugs?”

©2011, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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8 Comments

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8 responses to “No Ifs, Ands or Coconuts!! A Scary Halloween Candy Tale.

  1. i love that coconut covered chocolate that shall not be named. my kids don’t realize that i steal all of theirs from the halloween loot bag. because i’m a horrible mother like that.

  2. as long as you don’t do that ‘steal candy and call it the Halloween fairy’ shit i am totally cool. 😉
    love,
    the Giver of Full Sized Candy Bars

  3. aig63

    Ah, but I see a potential flaw in your strategy: candy YOU hate is candy KIDS probably hate too, right? It would be traumatic for your home to be branded ye-house-of-lousy-candy? Beward the eggers on All Hallow’s Eve …..

  4. You just named my favorite candy! lol! But, I like your plan. For me, it would be either black licorice or Milky Way bars. Blech! And, I’m a candy stealer too. 🙂

    • I don’t like black licorice either, come to think of it. But you don’t usually see that on Halloween anyway. Don’t get me started on Twizzlers, though…. 🙂 Remember those giant Twizzler statues at Blogher! WOW!!