The Eyebrows Have it

“Who did your eyebrows?”

I turned and looked at the woman who asked me that question in the aisle at Sephora.

“Um, I’m pretty sure they came with the rest of my face.” I responded.

“No, I mean who shapes them? They are fabulous!” she gushed.

“Thanks,” I said. “I do.”

“You wax your OWN eyebrows?!?!” she exclaimed.

“No, I tweeze them,” I replied. I was trying not to think about how strange it was to have this conversation with a perfect stranger, or anybody for that matter, and figure out how to end it so I could get back to the serious business at hand of finding a new mascara.

She stared at me in abject horror and then lowered her voice to a whisper.

“Ohhh. You should never tweeze your eyebrows!”

I raised my well-shaped, apparently fabulous eyebrows. “If I don’t I will look like a cro-magnon woman.”

“No, I mean you should only wax. Never tweeze.”

“Why?”

“If you tweeze, they grow back heavier.”

I laughed. “They couldn’t possibly grow back any heavier than they already are. I have such a bad unibrow that when I was younger my brothers used to call me ‘Cyclops.’”

“You can also OVER-TWEEZE and then you would have to draw your eyebrows back on until they grew back in,” she continued.

I wasn’t sure what I had done to warrant this run-in with the eyebrow police. Maybe God was punishing me for making fun of a friend who had gotten too much Botox and looked like she was perpetually surprised.

Truth be told, Eyebrow Lady was not the first person who had recommended I wax, rather than tweeze. Is it time consuming? Sometimes. Have I ever over-tweezed? Absolutely. Do the hairs grow back heavier? Who cares. I have better things to do than obsess about the optimal way to shape my eyebrows. However, for some reason, some people who are firmly in the wax versus tweeze camp feel it is their civic duty to convert the tweezers among us to the waxing side.

“Well, the good news is, you seem to have great tweezer control and your brows are perfect,” she said.

“Thanks goodness,” I said. I was so relieved to know that I had her eyebrow blessing. I was truly worried that my subscription to “Eyebrow Style” magazine would be taken away and I would be banned from the mall for wanton eyebrow shaping.

“By they way,” she said. “Have you ever considered threading?”

I rolled my eyes beneath my fabulous eyebrows.

“Yes,” I said. “But only for my mustache and beard.”

©2011, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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12 Comments

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12 responses to “The Eyebrows Have it

  1. SO funny. I, too, have gotten compliments on my ‘brows. I’ve filed that away under “Weirdest Compliments Ever” along with “You’ve got a very efficient walk!” Wha…?

  2. Efficient walk!!! That’s classic. I also like, “Your breath is minty fresh” (from someone on the bus) and “Are those your real eyelashes or do you use Latisse?” LOL!

  3. TheNextMartha

    Send the hairs over. I’m sewing pillows. You’ll find them on Etsy for $79.95.

  4. Sorry, I already donated them to Over-Tweezers Anonymous.

  5. Don’t you love the unsolicited comments from strangers we often get? Especially when it’s so scientifically unproven. I demand to see the evidence that eyebrows pulled out by tweezers grow thicker than those pulled out by wax. Show me the facts, lady!

  6. Oh man, that woman makes me want to stab myself in the eyes with tweezers…

    I say you go girl! Us fur-bearin’ unibrow freaks have to stick, er, pluck together ya know…we don’t need anyone messing it up for us.

    And, I shave my mustache. It doesn’t grow back thicker.

    One time this lady talked me up in the grocery check out, only to hand me her card when she left. She was an acne cream consultant. I still cry a little.

  7. LOL!! I had a woman at the makeup counter in the department store tell me I needed a different kind of moisturizer for all my fine lines and wrinkles, and then she proceeded to point out each and everyone.
    I hit her.

  8. So funny. Glad to know this fellow tweezer is in good company. Work those brows!!
    -FringeGirl

  9. Mutterschwester

    I love this. I just had my first eyebrow wax — ever. I was terrified of coming out of the place with thin lines, but I’m very happy with it. Now I just have to be on the lookout for the new ones so I can pluck them as they appear. Thanks for the chuckle.

    • I’m sure they look great.. but did you have those red stripes under your eyebrows for an hour afterwards? It always cracks me up when I see someone at the mall with those red marks under their eyebrows. I’m like, “hello, could you wait at home until your wax lines fade??” It’s as bad as the ladies who run their errands with the paper towel between their toes after a pedicure.