Fashion for those Figure Flaws

After gaining the requisite 7 pounds over the holidays, I was naturally worried about how my Pillsbury Doughboy-esque figure would fare in the latest fashion trends. Typically, this is the time of year when I begin to grow nervous about bathing suit season. I will spend a good part of February concerned… most of March anxious… all of April apprehensive… and by the time May rolls around, I’m chewing Xanax like it’s candy and praying muumuus make a comeback.

This year, however, I’m calm. No, I do not have a secret diet plan up my sleeve or an appointment for full-body liposuction.

No, this year, fashion is on my side.

Apparently, the fashion designers have decided to throw me, and my other cellulite-challenged peeps a bone. In case you haven’t heard, the beach babe look is out. The beach ball look is in.

If you did not have a front row seat at Fashion Week, you might not be aware of the turn in the fashion tide. I wasn’t there, either, but some of my stylish friends who like to follow the latest trends were nice enough to send me some pics of what can only be termed, “cocoon wear.”

For instance, there was this little number which is great for hiding a multitude of sins:

Of course, the problem with this dress is that a giant armadillo might try to mate with you, or someone might try to push you over the side of Niagara Falls.

If perhaps you are looking for something with just a little more shape to it, there is this dress:

This outfit does double duty as both a dress and a comforter, which is perfect for someone who can’t decide whether to stay in bed or get up and get dressed. It does do a great job of hiding your muffin top, however, there’s always the possibility that someone might rip it off you to take a nap.

You have to have the right occasion to wear this dress, but if you do, it does a god job of hiding at least one half of your body. Still, it’s possible someone might try put your dress out with a fire extinguisher.

Then there’s this outfit which does indeed cover you up, but it also might get you arrested…

but only because the police might confuse you for an escaped felon.



Personally, though, I prefer some of the styles from two years ago. I think they were a bit more understated, but still did a great job of covering up your trouble spots.
One of my favorites was this little green number:

Still, while it might be good for you to eat avocados, it’s not necessarily great to look like one. However, the good news is, looking at this, no one would ever guess you are exactly the same shape under the dress, as the dress itself!
And isn’t that what great fashion is all about?

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4 responses to “Fashion for those Figure Flaws

  1. I like the avacado look, except for the Jules Verne overtones. How about just a plain red, white, and blue puff?

  2. Barbara Rybolt

    Finally, something I can relate to…Love the avacado and the “egg.” One problem still…these seem to be made for tall people, what if you are height-challenged?


  3. Finally, clothes for those of us who are chronologically gifted, vertically challenged and horizontally enhanced. I can now toss my spanx into the Goodwill box.

  4. Good plan on the Spanx, Sharon! Barbara, I would bet the avocado look is equally horrific whether one is tall or height-challenged. Not sure if it is the shape or the color or a combination of both. I think Rose might have the right idea, although a red, white and blue puff, while patriotic, might call more attention to the dress then the green version which might enable you to blend in with the Boxwoods.