We Pause this Christmas Planning for a Commercial Interruption

’Twas a week before Christmas and our wallets were bare

There wasn’t so much as a dollar in there.

The gift cards were purchased, the stockings were stuffed

Even the eggnog tureen had been buffed.

 

The bonus was gone, the tips had been tipped

The gift to Aunt Martha had finally been shipped.

The lines at the mall were still crazy long

Price surging on ride shares was still going strong

 

The kids were safe studying in their college beds

as visions of Venmo checks danced in their heads.

Some gathered together to watch Game of Thrones

While others schemed how to get cool new IPhones.

 

But back at our house as we tired to get cozy

A loud noise suggested that all was not rosy.

Someone was walking on top of the house

And that someone was bigger for sure than a mouse.

 

A burglar? An alien? What could it be?

Something was headed straight for our chimney.

 

And then with an “oomf” and an “ugh” he came down,

Not through the chimney but down to the ground.

With big rosy cheeks and good cheer galore

Our mystery roof-walker appeared at the door.

 

“I’m the guy that you called, I’m a roofer named Kringle

All that snow that just fell?  It ruined your shingles.

“You need a new roof,” said the man dressed in red

“If you don’t do it soon it’ll fall in on your head.”

 

We looked at the tuition bills tossed on the table

The bills for electricity, water, and cable

Then we gave him a Visa to clean up the mess

Because Kringle won’t take American Express.

 

©2017, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

bookbutton-04“Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant. Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs” makes a great gift for the Holidays!! To get a copy for you or a cool mom you love, CLICK HERE

To become a fan of Lost in Suburbia on Facebook, Visit me here
To follow me on Twitter, visit me here

 

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Filed under Da Holidays

Top 10 List of (Ridiculous) Ways to Stay Slim Through the Holidays

As someone who has gained and lost enough weight over the years to make a whole other person, I like to think I have some experience eating my way through the holidays.

I usually like to start my downward holiday trajectory with leftover Halloween candy, and keep right on going through the Thanksgiving chocolate turkeys to the Christmas party buffets and candy cane binges. This year, though, I decided to try not to follow that pattern in the hopes that Santa won’t bring me more cellulite for Christmas. To this end, I came up with a  Top 10 List of Ways to Stay Slim Through the Holidays.

1.Get the Flu

True, it doesn’t feel so great while you have it, but this is a surefire way to drop about ten pounds in ten days.  I was lucky enough to come down with the flu before the holidays last year and I did actually lose ten pounds, which meant I could eat my way back up from Thanksgiving to New Years.  Unfortunately, I put the ten back on, plus another ten, which meant I needed to get sick again to break even.

2.Give the Flu to your Husband and Kids

Nothing kills an appetite more than the sight of all those runny noses, nasty tissues and other icky sickness symptoms.  Plus, you’ll work off extra weight running up and down the stairs to do all the extra loads of laundry generated by your sick family.  Bonus!

3.Buy Food Your Husband Likes

Based on my theory that there is a finite amount of fat in the universe, if you want to lose some holiday weight, you have to arrange it so that it gets picked up by someone else.  So, after Halloween, I stock up on dark chocolate, chocolate covered raisons, and Haagen Dazs Vanilla Chip Ice cream so I can be assured my husband will pig out and I will get skinny.

4.Photoshop all your Pictures

OK, making yourself skinny in Photoshop is not exactly the same thing as losing weight in real life, but if you don’t ever go out in public, no one will know the difference.  Besides, if it’s good enough for the celebrities and models, it’s good enough for you!

5.Hang Out with Big People

Another cheat.  You don’t have to diet or work out. Just stand next to people who are larger than you and you will look svelte and toned in comparison.

6.Get Pregnant

…Then you can tell everyone you’re not fat, you’re just pregnant. Or better yet, don’t get pregnant – just tell everyone that you are.

7.Go on “Dancing with the Stars”

All the celebs that go on that show lose an average of ten to twenty pounds.  Of course, first you have to become famous, and then stop being famous, in order to get on the show.  For more on that, see my other list: Tracy’s Top Ten Ways to Become Famous, and then not be Famous, to Get on “Dancing with the Stars.”

8.Go on Vacation

The key to this one is to go to another country where you shouldn’t drink the water and then you do.  A good case of Dysentery or Montezuma’s Revenge should help you shed any holiday pounds you may have already gained!

9.Combine Exercise with a Fun Activity

Personally, I find that shopping on sale days is the ultimate exercise.  You can get a great upper arm workout wrestling someone for the last cute cardigan and burn some serious calories dashing to the checkout line to beat the crowds.

10.Don’t Despair if you Break Your Diet

So you fell off the wagon a week after Thanksgiving? Don’t get down on yourself.  Just think of it as getting a head start on the holiday weight gain for next year!

©2017, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

bookbutton-04“Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant. Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs” makes a great gift for the Holidays!! To get a copy for you or a cool mom you love, CLICK HERE

To become a fan of Lost in Suburbia on Facebook, Visit me here
To follow me on Twitter, visit me here

 

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Filed under Da Holidays, Husbands and other Aliens