If you’ve noticed all those chocolate turkeys starting to show up in the grocery story, you must have realized that Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

TurkeyAt this point, you’ve probably already made your plans for Thanksgiving dinner, and there’s no turning back. But if you’re still working on your list, you might want to rethink some of those dinner guests.

True, nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like having all your loved ones and good friends at your table. But maybe there are some people who just keep coming back like a bad Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade ballon (seriously, it is time to retire Underdog!) who need to go find another Thanksgiving dinner to grace with their presence.   If you’re not sure who should get the heave-ho, here are some pointers on who you might not want to have back at your table again this year.

10. The person who brings a couple of bottles of wine to dinner… and then drinks them all.

9. The person who doesn’t eat corn, wheat, nuts, sugar, dairy, meat, fish, poultry, light green vegetables, swiss chard, fried bat, and any food that begins with the letter “c,” and would like you to make sure there is something for them to eat.

8. The person who brings some friends who are in town because “he was sure you wouldn’t mind.”

7. The person who is on a diet and tells you the calorie count and fat content of every dish on the table.

6. The person who is angry at the world and tells everyone Thanksgiving sucks and what do we have to be thankful for because we are all going to die anyway.

5. The person you asked to bring the stuffing who makes a macrobiotic, bread-free, completely taste-free stuffing.

4. The person who insists on making the gravy from scratch and neglects to whisk the flour clumps out.

3. The person who blocked everyone into the driveway with his car and then falls asleep on the couch when everyone wants to leave.

Screen Shot 2013-11-15 at 2.30.35 PM2. The person who asks all the kids to tell the cute, elementary school version of the story of Thanksgiving… and then corrects them with the horrific massacre of Native Americans version.

1. The person who makes the delicious looking gelatin mold and then asks everyone if they’re aware that gelatin comes from horse hooves.

Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving!

©2013, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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  • Anne @MidlifeBlvd

    A tip from my first marriage–never marry a man who won’t eat anything that starts with the letter “c”.

    • lostinsuburbiablog


      • lostinsuburbiablog

        That’s hilarious! Still laughing!!

      • Anne @MidlifeBlvd

        :Waggles eyebrows:

  • energywriter

    You nailed the list. We all have some of those joyless people in our families. sd

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      Sharon, you can ditch them all and come to my house for thanksgiving if you’d like. I know you would be a perfect guest!

  • Justin Knight

    From your lips to God’s ears! I especially like #9. I think the vegans, vegetarians, fruitarians, and the gluten-free should bring their own feasts or stay home!

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      Hear hear. If anyone says the word Tofurkey to me, they’re uninvited.

  • Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com

    Thank You! I’ve just uninvited ALL those people…unfortunately it looks like my DH and I might be eating alone 🙂

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      We’ll join you. I’ll bring the candied sweet potato pie with melted marshmallows on top!

  • Astra

    I so thankful that I am Canadian and our Thanksgiving falls in October so all these memories are long forgotten in time for Christmas! Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and have checked your guest list twice (I would never be invited because I think I am the guest under point #10 !!)!

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      #10? OK, you’re invited!

  • VanAllen

    This list is insipid. Perhaps it is your attempt at humor, but none of these undesirable guest behaviors would merit this person from being unwelcome in my home–especially at Thanksgiving! I mean, I’d even tolerate your lame attempts at humor, your pettiness, your bad lesbian haircut and dye-job, and your ever-expanding fat butt and tight pants riding up against those thunder thighs. I’m sure you’d have something worthy to bring to the table that would allow all overlook whom you really are. It seems that you have anointed yourself as a humorist when you’re obviously just a bitchy, middle-aged house frau who gets her friends to chuckle at girls’ night out after a couple of glasses of cheap Chardonnay. The more I think about it, you need to add yourself to is list: the person who would be the critic of everyone and everything–especially behind others’ backs. It sounds as if you have some pretty rigid rules about how people should/should not behave in your home. Bottom line, they are just not funny. Perhaps this all should be overlooked, especially in your case–you live in New Jersey.

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      Thanks so much for your comment. I always appreciate when people stop by to read my posts and truly, I am in awe of your ability to take a fun, completely satirical, tongue in cheek list and use it to draw erroneous and incredibly derogatory conclusions about my physical appearance, sexual preference, age, peer group, residence, and wine choices. Bottom line, if you don’t like the offerings here, feel free to go somewhere else. Have a great holiday!

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