Cruisin’ in the Garbage Mobile

US_Garbage_Truck copyWe are a two-car family.  My husband drives the sexy, little midlife crisis car and I drive the monster kid tank.  

I suppose it makes sense because he only uses his car to drives himself to and from the train station, whereas I use mine to drive the kids and a cast of thousands around all day.  Naturally, I also need a lot of space to carry tons of groceries to feed the kids and their thousands of friends.  And, of course, I need a big car so I have a reason to whine to my husband about the fact that he gets to drive a sexy, little car and I have to drive a big mom-mobile.

Because he has a nice car, he keeps it immaculate.  Because I have kids eating junk in my car all the time, my car routinely looks like an explosion inside a Frito-Lay factory.  I really do try to keep it clean, I swear.

But it seems that whenever my husband needs to drive my car, it’s usually right after some kind of spontaneous junk food combustion happened in the back seat.

The irony, of course, is that in the house, I am obsessively neat and he is not, whereas in the car, he is Mr. Clean and I am Queen of the Pig Sty.

“Oh my god, this is disgusting,” said my husband one day as he surveyed the wreckage in the second row.  “I don’t understand how you can keep the house so clean and your car so gross.”

“I don’t understand how you can keep your car so clean and leave your socks on the floor in the house,” I responded defensively.

“There are crumbs on the back seat,” he said.

“There is a banana peel on your night table,” I shot back.

“There’s half a cup of coffee in the cupholder,” he announced.

“There is a pile of newspapers a foot high in the bedroom,” I shouted.

“I haven’t read those, yet,” he countered.

“Well, I didn’t finish that cup of coffee, yet,” I said.  We stared each other down.  It was a disgusto stand-off.

There was a long pregnant pause and then finally I caved. “OK, I’ll work on the car thing,” I finally said.

“I’ll try harder with the house,” he replied.  We shook hands.  I peered inside the car.

“Wow, you’re right,” I said.  “It is pretty gross in here.”

He nodded.

“So…” I said.  “Can I borrow your car?”

 

©2015, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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The Mother of All Momagers

the momagerUnless you live under a rock, or actually have a life, you might have missed the news the Kris Jenner is in the process of trying to get a trademark for the word “momager.”

I guess since she is a mom AND she is the manager of all her kids, it kind of makes sense that she would want ownership of the combination of the two. I am also a mom and I also do other things besides being a mom, so I wondered if I should jump on the trademark bandwagon, as well. Since I am the primary housekeeper in my home, I pondered the idea of trademarking the name “Momkeeper.” But that makes me sound like I keep a collection of moms in my house which would probably either get me arrested or make me the most popular drop off playdate location in the neighborhood. I also am the one who cleans up after the dog, so I thought “Momipoo” would be good for me, too. But then I thought it sounded too much like one of those designer hypoallergenic dogs like a cockipoo, which is a combination of a cocker spaniel and a poodle, but, to me, sounds more like a combination of a particular male part of a body and a poodle. So, if I’m going to be the momipoo, my husband would have to be the “cockipoo,” and I just don’t think he’d go for that.

I get that Kris wants to make a statement by combining her two primary jobs.  but doesn’t calling herself a Momager take away from all the other important jobs she does?

Why not trademark “Momeality”” for being a Mom AND being famous for being a reality TV star?  Oh wait, I think Honey Boo Boo’s mother registered that name already.

However, I think she should trademark “Momous,” for being a mom and being famous just for being famous.

If I were to combine my two jobs – mom and columnist – I would be a “molumnist.” But that is such a strange job title that I’m pretty sure no one would ever hire me again because they would have no idea what I actually do. The other problem is they might put a hard accent on the “O” and think that I am a specialist in mole removal (I’m thinking the rodent ones, not the facial ones). Since I have less desire to remove moles than I do to pick up dog poo, I’m going to have to reject all these combinations and simply go with mom writer. which is not trademarkable but is infinitely more accurate.

But enough about me. I can certainly understand Kris’ need to have a title of power that reflects the hugely impressive job she does in both raising her daughters and managing their careers. How many woman can say they have built an empire on the public’s fascination with a family that does, well, nothing (hats off to Kendall for actually having a career, of course). In fact, I think she has undervalued herself with the name “Momager” and she needs to shoot higher. If I were Kris, I would definitely try to trademark something more impressive. “Momasuarus Rex” certainly implies power, as does “The Mominator.” Since she is now the head of the family, she could go with “Head Momcho. Or she can proclaim herself the mother of all mothers and go with “Mom Almighty.” If she were a Lord of the Rings fan, she might like to go with “One Mom To Rule them All.” Or if she was more of a Star Wars girl, “The Galactic Mompire,”might be more fitting, Since the Queen Mother is already taken, she might like to look for other world leaders for inspiration. I’m pretty sure the “Dalai Mama” would still be up for grabs. However, if I were her, I’d stay away from the “Mope.”

Sounds too much like Nope, which is what most people think about this whole Momager thing..

©2015, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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