Attack of the Frozen Turkeys

0031000101030_CF_version_type_large“Congratulations!” boomed the checkout girl in the supermarket aisle as she handed me my receipt. “You qualify for a free turkey!”

I looked down at the piece of paper and saw that I had spent enough at the market in the past two months to earn myself a free turkey. Truthfully, with the amount I spent, I should have gotten a cow, a goat and a whole coop of chickens for free.

“Go get your turkey!” she said gleefully. I looked at the long line of impatient customers behind me.

“Nah, that’s OK,” I said. “I’ll get it next time.”

“You have to get it today,” she insisted. “It expires tomorrow!”

“No, really, it’s OK,” I said looking nervously behind me. “I’m not making Thanksgiving this year.”

She stared me down.

“And, um, I’m, uh, a vegetarian!” I stammered.

“Get your turkey!” she bellowed. The checkout girl stood with her hands on her hips waiting for me to go fetch my frozen bird. Since I hadn’t paid yet, I had no choice but to obey.

As I made my way down the line, I apologized to the angry throngs.

“I’m really sorry, I have to get my free turkey,” I said meekly as they glared at me.

“It’s my last day to get it or I’ll get picked up by the poultry police.”

I ran back down the meat aisle, but when I got to the frozen turkey bin, it was empty. The place was utterly turkey-less. There were chickens and ducks and even a quail, but nary a turkey breast or drumstick to be found. The turkeys all flew the coop.

I looked around for some help, but the place was deserted. There weren’t even any other customers around… probably because they were all on the checkout line behind me waiting for me to come back with my stupid free turkey.

By the time I got back to the checkout, the line had doubled in size. There was only one other checkout line open, which would have been perfectly adequate if there wasn’t some idiot doing laps around the supermarket looking for a nonexistent turkey.

“There are no more turkeys,” I desperately told the checkout girl when I returned to the counter. “Can I just get a couple of chickens instead?”

“Has to be a turkey,” she said, examining her fingernails.

I could sense the rage building in the line behind me. I knew any moment I was going to be trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey myself and then tarred and feathered.

“Can you call someone to find one for me, please,” I pleaded. “Maybe they have one in the back or something?”

She suddenly realized there was an angry mob without turkeys but with lots of other groceries waiting to check out, so she picked up the housephone.

“Turkey in checkout 2. Turkey in checkout 2, please,” she announced. I rolled my eyes. The man in line behind me smiled.

“Yes,” he said. “There certainly is.”

 

©2015, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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Filed under Da Holidays

‘Twas the Week After Halloween

photo courtesy Terren in Virginia

photo courtesy Terren in Virginia

’Twas the week after Halloween and all through the house

There wasn’t so much as a crumb for a mouse.

The Skittles skedaddled, the Reeses were history;

Where the Twizzlers and Twix went was still a big mystery.

 

 

When the kids looked around they were thrown for a loop,

The Kit Kats and Hersheys had all flown the coop!

No Snickers, no Smarties, no Three Musketeers,

Even the Dum Dums had all disappeared.

 

“The candy’s all gone,” they groaned in dismay.

“There’s not even so much as one Milky Way.”

Their bags had been full after they’d trick or treated,

But somehow their booty had all been depleted.

 

“We didn’t eat it,” they swore on their cash.

“Someone snuck in and they ate up our stash.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll find it, “ I assured them that day.

“Kit Kats don’t get up and just walk away.”

 

So we scoured the pantry, the playroom, the grounds

But not even one M&M could be found.

It certainly seemed something might be amiss;

We were hard-pressed to find even one chocolate Kiss.

 

The kids were so sad; they’d been tricked out of treats,

And what’s Halloween without oodles of sweets?

But I told them more candy could be found at the store,

And promised to go out and buy them some more.

 

I kissed them goodnight and then sent them to bed,

Where visions of Tootsie Rolls danced in their heads.

Then I tiptoed downstairs where all was quite dandy,

And I quietly finished the rest of their candy.

©2015, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

bookbutton-04“Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant. Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs” makes a great gift!! To get a copy for you or a cool mom you love, CLICK HERE

To become a fan of Lost in Suburbia on Facebook, Visit me here
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Filed under Da Holidays, Uncategorized, Who Are These Children and Why are they Calling Me Mommy