When our dog starts to smell like Eau de Garbage, his breath is bad enough to peel paint off the walls, and people think he is a brown dog when really he is black, I know it’s time to give him a bath. Since I am the one who feeds, walks and cleans up after him, it has fallen to me to be the official dog bather as well. Naturally, there are many different books written on this subject, and many people who think they know the best way to bathe a dog, but I like to think that over the years, I have really perfected this particular duty of pet ownership. Having a vast amount of expertise in this area, I will share with you the procedure for the absolute best way to bathe a dog:

1) Fill tub with warm water up to your dog’s elbows.

2) Carefully lift dog into tub.

3) Chase dripping dog through house after he jumps out of the tub, out the bathroom, up the stairs, and onto your bed.

4) Drag dog back downstairs and bring him back into the bathroom.

5) THIS TIME, remember to close bathroom door behind you.

6) Lift dog back into tub.

7) Turn on water and shriek helplessly as hose attachment whips around spraying water everywhere.

8) Clean up water that sprayed everywhere.

9) THIS TIME, remember to switch off hose attachment before you run water.

10) When the water is lukewarm, switch faucet back to hose, hold dog firmly with one hand and spray dog until fur is soaked through.

11) Release dog to get shampoo that you left under the sink and shriek helplessly as dog shakes repeatedly and sprays water everywhere.

12) Clean up water that sprayed everywhere.

13) THIS TIME, remember to keep firm hold on dog as you apply dime-sized amount of dog shampoo to fur and work into a lather all over dog.

14) Scream, “NO, DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!!!” when daughter opens bathroom door and comes in to see what you are doing.

15) Chase very soapy dog through house after he jumps out of the tub, out the bathroom, up the stairs, and back onto your bed.

16) Make mental note to put “DO NOT OPEN!!!” sign on bathroom door next time you wash dog.

17) Drag soapy dog back downstairs and lift him back into tub.

18) Remember that floor is now quite slippery and take caution lifting dog.

19) Abandon dog to get ice pack from freezer. Apply to forehead where you slipped and banged head on side of tub.

20) Return to bathroom to find daughter, covered in dog hair and soap, in bathtub with dog.

21) Abandon dog to go wash daughter.

22) Realize you left bathroom door open when you went to wash daughter.

23) Go get dog off wet and soapy bed.

24) Drag dog back downstairs

25) Put leash on dog and drive him to professional groomers.

©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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18 Comments

  • justkeepinitrealfolks

    Hilarious and SO true!!!!! We have resorted to putting the dog in the shower with us. She’s trapped when we shut that shower door.

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      THAT is great!! Never thought to try that (but then again, we have an old house with curtains, not shower doors. I can imagine my dog leaping out of the tub and taking the whole shower curtain/rod down with him!!

  • BARB BEST

    Painfully true! I’m laughing and crying. Mostly laughing.

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      This is why we only bathe him once a year!

  • shoes

    Hahaha – my stinky dog is 75 pounds and I don’t think I could wrestle him into the bathtub much less keep him there! I only tried it once many years ago in desperation when he had a run in with a skunk. There was tomato juice, water, and soap and dog hair everywhere!

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      Our dog is 75 pounds too. The only time I successfully got him into the tub was when I smeared peanut butter on the faucet. I got him IN the tub. Couldn’t stop him from getting out, though!!

  • Astra

    A-ha! New “How to Give a Dog a Bath”? Skip right to step #25!
    PS Hope to meet you at Erma’s!

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      We will definitely connect at Erma! I’ll be the one covered in dog hair!

  • angelique

    Love this.

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      Thanks! Wanna come over and help me wash the dog?

  • hollow tree ventures

    HA – too funny! This is why I don’t have a dog right now – I love ’em, but I have enough problems with the little humans I need to bathe. 🙂

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      If you do it right, you can get the kid in the tub WITH the dog at the same time! Of course than the kid needs ANOTHER bath after that…

  • Main Street Musings Blog

    Sadly my dog gets her hair done more often than I do!

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      As long as you don’t use the same stylist!

  • Dr. G

    Big fan of throwing money at the dirty dog (in the form of groomers) but husband doesn’t agree. So I watch him chase soapy dogs through house and try not to laugh til he’s back in the bathroom.

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      Whenever my husband doesn’t want me to spend money on some chore, I invite him to do whatever it is I want to pay money to do. That quickly gets him to change his mind!

  • Marla Mayes

    Hilarious! I’m a frequent just skip to #25 too, but I’m thinking about going for the traveling road show groomers at the house next time.

    My retired Mom got herself a little yappy chihuahua that doesn’t seem to have as much fun at the groomers as my mini-schnauzer does, plus the gas savings for the 20 mile round trip is about as much as the extra travel charge.

    Thanks, that was a great tgif read!

  • Rose

    I really think you should enter this column in the Robert Benchley Humor Writing Contest next year. It’s hilarious!

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