This month, while most people are suffering from colds and flu, I have developed a lesser known malady known as Lickity Spit Tongue. This condition is marked by a dry, slighty gummy tongue, caused by licking hundreds of stamps and envelopes for my holiday cards because the post office ran out of the self-stick kind.
While Lickity Spit Tongue may be new to you, there are actually a number of unusual afflictions that you won’t necessarily find on Web-MD which are specific to this month alone. Yes, the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year. But they can also be frought with danger. So, here to help you keep an eye out for those yuletide dangers is a list of holiday maladies you should try to avoid. They are not usually serious but can be quite painful:
Wrapping Paper Elbow: Pain in one or both elbows caused by contortions created by trying to wrap weird shaped toys, sports equipment and puppies.
Carpal Tunnel Tip Syndrome: A repetitive use injury. Pain caused by a constant wrist flicking motion required to dole out cash tips at a frenzied pace to people you really don’t like but need good service from.
Some Assembly Required Myopia: Blurred vision, tearing, and a slight crossing of the eyes caused by trying to read the directions (usually in another language) for putting together gifts that look fully assembled on the package but arrive in 600 pieces.
Fruitcake Contusion: Bruising and/or breaking of appendage that occurs when you drop a fruitcake on your foot
Holiday Gift Hiding Strain: Pulled muscle, stiff neck, and back pain caused by trying to shove heavy gifts into obscure hiding places so the kids won’t find them. (see also Holiday Gift Hiding Concussion, a related condition caused by the gift you hid falling onto your head).
Egg Nog Head: A fuzzy, swollen and slightly nauseous feeling you have for 24 hours after indulging in too much Egg Nog, devilled eggs, and basically anything else that has the word “egg“ in it at a holiday party.
Partial Post Holiday Hearing Loss: Caused by the incessant playing of Christmas music from Thanksgiving to New Years. Note: This is a hysterical condition caused by frequency of exposure rather than level of sound, and usually dissipates by Groundhog Day.
Wishing you and your loved ones a safe and happy holiday season!!
©2018, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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