As a columnist/blogger, I’m used to getting PR pitches for products, authors, and experts looking for some exposure on my blog. The pitches run from the mundane to the somewhat outrageous. Yet nothing in my pitch-receiving past prepared me for the email I got today.

It was for an expert on Cosmetic Procedures for Pets.


pet cosmeticsAs a longtime pet owner, I was first shocked, then equal parts disgusted and horrified. Although I had joked in the past about my old dog Riley’s weight struggles, I never would have considered getting him Lipo to slim his thighs.

And certainly not before I got it first.

Then I wondered if I was failing our new dog, Monty, you know, in a shallow, superficial kind of way. I give him lots of love and attention and play with him all the time. But I haven’t considered doing anything expensive and completely unnecessary to improve his appearance. What kind of pet owner am I??

I never really worried that the other dogs would mock him for his crooked teeth. But maybe I should get him braces. Nothing says dapper dog like a perfect canine smile.

And then there’s the issue of Botox. Does he have frown lines? I really don’t know. There’s all that fur in the way. And speaking of fur… does he have too much? Does it make him self-conscious? He doesn’t just have a unibrow… he has a whole UNIFACE. Maybe we should do some electrolysis?

lizardOur Bearded Dragon clearly has a skin problem. He skin is very dry and rough and he’s constantly sloughing off large pieces of derma. Although this is a good look for zombies, it’s not a particularly attractive look for lizards. Had I been a good owner, I probably should have taken him to a dermatologist and gotten him a good exfoliation. Then maybe a little “lift” to tighten up some of that sagging skin.

Hmmm… I wonder if we can get a two-fer?

Then there’s our Chinchilla. He has a big problem with ear hair.

There are massive tufts of the stuff coming out of his big chinchilla ears. Of course there are no other Chinchillas around to notice, and even if there were, I suspect they’d all have the same issue. Still, I think you’d stand a much better chance with the lady chinchillas if you didn’t look like there was a fuzzy forest in your ears.

Seriously though… who gets their pets nipped and tucked? I’m pretty sure the pets don’t care what they look like. When was the last time you saw your dog staring in the mirror or stepping on the scale? Does your Beagle worry about bathing suit season? Does your Boxer want a button nose? Somehow, I think our pets are more concerned with loving us unconditionally. Shouldn’t we show them the same courtesy?

So thank you PR people, but I think I’ll pass on your Pet Cosmetic expert. I love my dog just the way he is… uniface and all.

©2013, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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  • Peyton Price

    I do Furminate
    Kitty’s problem areas
    for a slimmer look.

  • Andrea B (@goodgirlgonered)

    Wow. Our boxer mix has that extra chin stuff happening. Who knew I could have fixed that right away? Poor puppies.

  • Mama Melch

    Bwahahahahaha! This is obviously a problem of people who have too much time and money on their hands. I’ll let you know if I hear of any bearded dragon cream for that dry skin though. 😉

  • Lynn

    I always thought I’d want to come back as a dog, with a rich owner. Now, not so much. Yikes.

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